So a young coworker of mine has just re-entered the world of dating after being out of the game for a couple of years. He's been pretty nervous about jumping back into it all, so today I scrawled down a few tips to help get him to the top.
(disclaimer: I've never actually tried any of these things myself, but this is only further proof that they work.)
Justin’s Guide to Dating
1) If she ever says “so nice” when describing you, you’ve probably already lost her. You can try saying “is your hair supposed to look like that?” But it’s no guarantee.
2) Spit on the ground as much as possible. I never do this and I’m still single, so I bet it works.
3) Laugh at the misfortune of others. She will view empathy as a sign of weakness. Showing empathy of any kind causes her to mentally compare you to a guinea pig. You know how much action guinea pigs get? None.
4) Take your shirt off as much as possible. If there are lots of mirror or windows around you should probably almost never a have shirt on.
5) If twenty minutes goes by without you talking about something powered by a gasoline engine, you’re failing. (cars, motorcycles, vans, riding lawnmowers, etc.)
6) Don’t show exceptional intelligence of any kind. Talk about how much you enjoy the filmwork of Vin Diesel or that you only read magazines. Use the phrase “c’mere a minute” as much as possible.
7) Never compliment. This only serves to cause her to develop a notion that she can do better than you. If you feel you must compliment, do so in a backhanded manner. For example: “I really like your shoes, anything that keeps your toes hidden from the eyes of innocent children should be commended.” or “your nose looks less bulbous today.”
8) Watch Dancing With the Stars.
9) Start a band. Not musically inclined? Even better! The less talent you have and the more overt you are in showing off your status as a “musician” - the better.
10) If you haven’t fist-punched someone/something in front of her within the first four dates, throw in the towel. She won’t touch you.
11) Learn to spin a basketball. I have no proof this helps with women, but let’s not kid ourselves. It totally does.
12) Puppies.
13) Grow a mustache right away. Nothing screams “manliness” more than a mustache. If a woman’s man is mustachioed she will ALWAYS feel secure. This is a fact.
14) Speed. If you’re going less than fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit then you’re doing it wrong. Driving at dangerous speeds will accomplish at least one of the following:
1) If she ever says “so nice” when describing you, you’ve probably already lost her. You can try saying “is your hair supposed to look like that?” But it’s no guarantee.
2) Spit on the ground as much as possible. I never do this and I’m still single, so I bet it works.
3) Laugh at the misfortune of others. She will view empathy as a sign of weakness. Showing empathy of any kind causes her to mentally compare you to a guinea pig. You know how much action guinea pigs get? None.
4) Take your shirt off as much as possible. If there are lots of mirror or windows around you should probably almost never a have shirt on.
5) If twenty minutes goes by without you talking about something powered by a gasoline engine, you’re failing. (cars, motorcycles, vans, riding lawnmowers, etc.)
6) Don’t show exceptional intelligence of any kind. Talk about how much you enjoy the filmwork of Vin Diesel or that you only read magazines. Use the phrase “c’mere a minute” as much as possible.
7) Never compliment. This only serves to cause her to develop a notion that she can do better than you. If you feel you must compliment, do so in a backhanded manner. For example: “I really like your shoes, anything that keeps your toes hidden from the eyes of innocent children should be commended.” or “your nose looks less bulbous today.”
8) Watch Dancing With the Stars.
9) Start a band. Not musically inclined? Even better! The less talent you have and the more overt you are in showing off your status as a “musician” - the better.
10) If you haven’t fist-punched someone/something in front of her within the first four dates, throw in the towel. She won’t touch you.
11) Learn to spin a basketball. I have no proof this helps with women, but let’s not kid ourselves. It totally does.
12) Puppies.
13) Grow a mustache right away. Nothing screams “manliness” more than a mustache. If a woman’s man is mustachioed she will ALWAYS feel secure. This is a fact.
14) Speed. If you’re going less than fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit then you’re doing it wrong. Driving at dangerous speeds will accomplish at least one of the following:
- Shows her what a big man you are.
- Causes her to be so happy she’s alive at the end of the drive, she rewards you with loving you.
- Gets you pulled over, which gives you a chance to mouth off to the cop and continue looking like a big man.
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Well, you better believe the guy is going to be well on his way to having all sorts of success real soon. Probably be married in a matter of months. Especially since I'll be delivering further tips to him on a daily basis.
Lucky him.
8 comments:
Most all of these things appear on my "How to Prepare Yourself to Sell for APX" list.... weird...
You're right though, if he lives in Utah County, he's sure to be married at least a month after he gets back from the summer... right after he buys a Beamer and a big screen...
Brilliant I tell you.
i love everything about this.
I too add my testimony that I am single, and I have done nothing on this list. It's got to be golden.
This whole thing reminds me of The Office episode when Andy is giving Kevin dating advice after him & Angela break up.
Number 1 on the list is my fave!
I think you need to add bedazzled shirts & jeans to the this list.
#10.
Ha ha ha! Maybe you should try a few of these. jk
This goes right along with my douche bag detector post. haha
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