Instead I hacked out a few more dating tips. These probably aren't much better, and the kid I work with who I developed this list for is in full-blown relationship mode now, so he feels he doesn't need my wisdom anymore. In fact, he's claiming that he got his girlfriend without following a single one of the tips I gave him. I'm calling lies on that one, but what can you do.
So to all five of you who have been anticipating this, enjoy:
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49) Girls really like guys with accents. Especially British ones. So whenever you send a girl a text or email, throw the letter “u” into words. Examples:
51) Flossing is really important, I mean, what’s more embarrassing than your date catching you with chunks of food between your teeth? Always keep a spool of dental floss on your person. Floss your teeth immediately after eating dinner, do so at the dinner table so she can see how much you care about your oral hygiene. Leave the used floss on your plate so the waitress can also be impressed by you.
52) Take her to a sporting event. Liking sports is really manly, so get really into the game by doing things like: loudly threatening a referee, shoving another fan, sharing advanced stats and metrics about the game with your date, verbally abusing a mascot, etc.
Also, if your team loses, make sure you openly cry. This will have the double advantage of showing how much you care about sports, and that you’re sensitive, which ladies really dig.
53) Toe ring.
54) Talk about Justin Bieber a lot.
55) Talk about Charlie Sheen a lot.
56) I think we can all just assume that “creating a list of dating tips and putting them on a blog” pretty much goes without saying, right? I mean, it’s doing wonders for me, so it’d only be in your best interest to do the same.
57) Offer to cook dinner for her sometime. It seems really romantic and shows her what a great cook you are, which will only impress her further. Make some kind of hearty meal, roasted turkey or chicken, maybe some pasta, sky’s the limit. Just make sure she only gets a garden salad. If she tries to take any of the other dishes you made, say “are you sure you want this? You are watching your calories, aren’t you?” Then for dessert, demand she eats all the ice cream.
Mixed signals are like catnip for ladies.
58) Keep a small journal or notebook on you at all times. Whenever she does or says something out of the ordinary, pull out the notebook and write it down. If she ever questions you about the notebook, say it’s a ‘dream journal’ - then pull the book back out again, and mumble “also, she is nosy” under your breath as you write.
59) Pull out your text and send the girl you’re dating/you’re trying to date the following text message: “R U MAD @ ME?” Don’t give her a chance to respond before sending a follow up text of: “LOL, just a joke. LOL JK! Luv U!!!!” Then give it about 2 minutes and send: “No, srsly, r u mad?”
60) If at any point on a date you come across a feral cat, make sure you stop whatever it is you’re doing and go pick it up. Exit your vehicle if you must. This will show her you are sensitive and care about animals, also it gives you a moment to think about the next funny pun you’re going to share with her.
61) See how long you can carry on a conversation about the Atlantic Ocean. This won’t have a positive or negative effect on your relationship, but it will give you the opportunity to show yourself how well you can talk about the Atlantic Ocean for an extended period of time, which is an important life skill.
- “I find our exchanges ‘favourable’”
- “What’s your favorite ‘colour?’ Mine’s clear.”
- “I don’t really think you’re ‘bouring,’ I just said that so you’d ‘stoup’ talking.”
- “Do you remember the show ‘Hangin’ with Mr. ‘Coouper?’’ Oh. Me neither.”
51) Flossing is really important, I mean, what’s more embarrassing than your date catching you with chunks of food between your teeth? Always keep a spool of dental floss on your person. Floss your teeth immediately after eating dinner, do so at the dinner table so she can see how much you care about your oral hygiene. Leave the used floss on your plate so the waitress can also be impressed by you.
52) Take her to a sporting event. Liking sports is really manly, so get really into the game by doing things like: loudly threatening a referee, shoving another fan, sharing advanced stats and metrics about the game with your date, verbally abusing a mascot, etc.
Also, if your team loses, make sure you openly cry. This will have the double advantage of showing how much you care about sports, and that you’re sensitive, which ladies really dig.
53) Toe ring.
54) Talk about Justin Bieber a lot.
55) Talk about Charlie Sheen a lot.
56) I think we can all just assume that “creating a list of dating tips and putting them on a blog” pretty much goes without saying, right? I mean, it’s doing wonders for me, so it’d only be in your best interest to do the same.
57) Offer to cook dinner for her sometime. It seems really romantic and shows her what a great cook you are, which will only impress her further. Make some kind of hearty meal, roasted turkey or chicken, maybe some pasta, sky’s the limit. Just make sure she only gets a garden salad. If she tries to take any of the other dishes you made, say “are you sure you want this? You are watching your calories, aren’t you?” Then for dessert, demand she eats all the ice cream.
Mixed signals are like catnip for ladies.
58) Keep a small journal or notebook on you at all times. Whenever she does or says something out of the ordinary, pull out the notebook and write it down. If she ever questions you about the notebook, say it’s a ‘dream journal’ - then pull the book back out again, and mumble “also, she is nosy” under your breath as you write.
59) Pull out your text and send the girl you’re dating/you’re trying to date the following text message: “R U MAD @ ME?” Don’t give her a chance to respond before sending a follow up text of: “LOL, just a joke. LOL JK! Luv U!!!!” Then give it about 2 minutes and send: “No, srsly, r u mad?”
60) If at any point on a date you come across a feral cat, make sure you stop whatever it is you’re doing and go pick it up. Exit your vehicle if you must. This will show her you are sensitive and care about animals, also it gives you a moment to think about the next funny pun you’re going to share with her.
61) See how long you can carry on a conversation about the Atlantic Ocean. This won’t have a positive or negative effect on your relationship, but it will give you the opportunity to show yourself how well you can talk about the Atlantic Ocean for an extended period of time, which is an important life skill.
11 comments:
Holy crap. I am working on memorizing all these tips. They are gold. These will put an end to all those lonely nights...
Another successful dating tips post. Nicely done. (How in the world do you come up with this stuff?... )
The Justin Bieber one works really well. I talked about "The Bieber" for 53 minutes while this random girl and I made out on the love sac. Sweet huh? Can I write the forward to your book?
#60 Would do it for me! HA HA HA!!!
Hey, #60 worked Lisa. It was my go to move.
Bril. yunt.
You should publish a pocket version; how can I be expected to remember all these while on a date?
59!
“What’s your favorite ‘colour?’ Mine’s clear.”
clear.
clear!
i love it!
also, toe ring.
Is it bad that 54 would actually work for me...? I think that's telling me something I needed to hear...
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