Grocer.

"Grocer" is one of those words that just looks like it's spelled wrong. Like "gangrenous" or "Steve."

I was at the grocery store this evening, and I realized that more than any of the other intimidating produces to purchase, bananas have always sapped me of confidence most of all... I don't know what it is about them, but I always end up picking up and closely examining about a dozen different bushels (is that what they're called? 'Bushels?' or are they 'bunches?' 'bundles?' 'tassles?'), and I'm still left completely unsure as to which family of bananas should be worthy of my purchase. I mean, apples are pretty easy to decipher, oranges are straight forward, melons I can at least tap and pretend like I know what I'm doing, but bananas leave me helpless.

Fortunately "Faithfully" by Journey was playing throughout the store, so I was able to overcome this disability and choose. "Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car" by Billy Ocean started playing shortly after that. I'd already picked some bananas, but it was also incredibly helpful.

Here's an inside tip for you: avoid the deli counter of your local grocery store if you can help it. Especially if the deli is closed for the evening. Looking under the glass at platters of chicken/potato salad is unsettling enough, but when you know they're just going to be hanging out there all night, everything just gets kicked up an extra notch, and nightmares are sure to follow.

Speaking of the deli counter, can someone please explain to me how on earth anyone gets the ideathat it would be a good idea to call certain foods things like: "head cheese," "liverwurst," "frogeye salad," and "meat-like glob loaf?"

I mean, have you looked at head cheese before? It's basically bits of the pig that no one wanted, held together by a thick, translucent gelatin. Take a look:

So obviously someone said to him/herself "man, this stuff looks really gross... No one's really buying it or eating it... You know what would help, if I gave it a name that sounds like something you'd need to get cleaned out of you if you got a really bad sinus infection."

One time a lady at the deli overheard me mocking head cheese, and told me I really needed to try it first. She made a motion towards the counter like she was going to ask the deliman (that word is to be pronounced "delimin"). I kept her at bay by asking her if she kept children locked up in her cellar for eating, or was she more of a "free range" kind of troll. It did not go over well. (Don't judge me, I lived in Northern Europe. People will try to convince you that it's normal to eat this kind of stuff... But trust me... It's strictly troll food.)

I can't walk past any of the squashes without wanting to lightly tap them. This is the gardener in me, I accept no alternative explanation.

You know what aisle I have no legitimate business enjoying as much as I do at my age? The "Seasonal" aisle. It's just such a fun aisle... Cheap costume accessories, limited edition candy, an inexcusable amount of spilled glitter on the floor. Fun... I did, however, spot a disturbing little Easter treat today. Small bottles of squeezable, drinkable marshmallow. Even with my former disgusting candy habits, I can't condone that. Not at all. Now will someone please buy some and let me watch you eat it?

The only aisle that surpasses the Seasonal, is the one that's usually just right beside it. The "We Ran Out of Places to Put Stuff, And We Know We're Really Not Making Any Organized Sense Anymore" aisle. For example, from right to left, tonight a shelf in this aisle contained the following:

• Various pesticides and aerosol bug-killers.
• Bundles of firewood.
• Bike supplies (reflectors, water bottles, stickers, etc)
• Sidewalk Chalk.
• Copies of Jamie Lynn Spears Autobiography
• Lip Balm
• Purple Fanta
• Old "Encyclopedia Brown" novels

The level at which the store stopped caring about sensible organization at this point really spoke to me. Also, it made me nervous. And tired. And like I really needed to buy a bucket of sidewalk chalk.

Why is it that you can find batteries hung up for sale scattered on the corner of every aisle in the store until you actually need to buy batteries? Further proof the universe thinks it's hilarious to watch people wander around in aimless confusion.

I love when a grocery store has giant bins of discount price DVDs. Sometimes I like to rummage through those and either reminisce about how many terrible movies I've seen in my life. Tonight I decided to grab one at random without looking, buy it, watch it, and later blog about the experience. This was the guy I fished out of there:

Turned out this one was a full 2 dollars more than the rest of the bin, so like a cheapskate, I tossed it back into the bin and changed my mind about that whole idea.

After looking at the description of this film on the back of the box, I fear I may have made a huge mistake.

(Although, I'm not sure if I could handle Some Mild Thematic Elements.)

There was an entire section of an aisle designated for "Pork N' Beans" - there was even a sign over that portion of the aisle with "Pork N' Beans" plastered on it, so if you were trying to spot them from a distance, you'd be in luck.

Thank goodness.

Sometimes I like to walk through the bookshelf in the grocery store, just to remind me that there are people out there making a significant amount of money by writing books with Fabio, or Fabio lookalikes on the cover. Good for them, I guess.

And somewhere in all this, there's a great joke about buying toilet paper, or the content of magazines in the checkout aisle... But I ended up seeing a guy who looked exactly like the blonde guy from Die Hard wandering around the store with bright orange sneakers, talking loudly on his cell phone about music content in video games. Needless to say, my focus was shot at that point.