Oh, Here We Are.

"The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse."

2011-06-02T19:51:00.006-06:00

Something I've recently noticed. Whenever a large group of high school aged boys invade our basement, for the next two days the whole place smells of angst and cologne. Also, Mountain Dew.

Amazon Prime has simultaneously been the best and worst thing I've invited into my life. Every now and then I find myself cruising through their virtual aisles, feeling like I need to buy something simply because it's been some time since I've used the free shipping I'm entitled to. To make matters worse, I made the grave mistake of discovering their 'Gold Box' deals... "Wait, I'd save $67 bucks if I were to buy this 4 1/2 inch Angle Grinder Kit, and I get free shipping on it?!"

I also got a little carried away when I found out I could also ship to other people's addresses for free. I've already sent a can of grits to someone on a whim. It's probably a good thing I don't know more addresses.

I watched The Wizard on Netflix the other week. Anyone else out there remember that movie? Fred Savage plays the older half-brother of a young video game savant. The two of them (with a plucky female associate, of course) make their way from Utah to California by hustling teenagers and sweaty businessmen in arcades. One of the greatest lines in cinema history comes from this film. Watch:

You're welcome.

Speaking of you're welcome: have any of you seen this painting before?

Neither had I until just the other day, when I saw this guy as the header image of a furniture website. I really have nothing to say about this thing. I wish I did. Truly I do... But honestly, I got nothin'.

Have you ever felt like you were living inside a Wilson Phillips Music video? I haven't, but I imagine it as being very windswept.

This Train is Bound For Glory.

2011-04-26T17:06:00.001-06:00

Hey, does everyone have their tickets to see Fast Five this weekend?

I bought five. Obviously.

Let's be serious here for a minute... Anytime you get a film series featuring both Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, you know that you've tapped into something magical, and almost seen the face of God. For the sake of mankind, we'd better hope Fast 6ix is on it's way. And soon.

Oh, so this weekend I was down in Arizona where I was able to see these three bands perform:

I also got to see these guys in Vegas the weekend before. They're unreal live. Seriously.

It was several kinds of awesome... To cap it all off, all three bands (and about two dozen extras) crowded the stage for the finale. There were banjos, guitars and beards everywhere. I loved it. Special thanks to all those in Arizona who tolerated me for the weekend, and made my stay infinitely more enjoyable.

Grocer.

2011-04-18T22:35:00.012-06:00

"Grocer" is one of those words that just looks like it's spelled wrong. Like "gangrenous" or "Steve."

I was at the grocery store this evening, and I realized that more than any of the other intimidating produces to purchase, bananas have always sapped me of confidence most of all... I don't know what it is about them, but I always end up picking up and closely examining about a dozen different bushels (is that what they're called? 'Bushels?' or are they 'bunches?' 'bundles?' 'tassles?'), and I'm still left completely unsure as to which family of bananas should be worthy of my purchase. I mean, apples are pretty easy to decipher, oranges are straight forward, melons I can at least tap and pretend like I know what I'm doing, but bananas leave me helpless.

Fortunately "Faithfully" by Journey was playing throughout the store, so I was able to overcome this disability and choose. "Get Outta My Dreams, Get into My Car" by Billy Ocean started playing shortly after that. I'd already picked some bananas, but it was also incredibly helpful.

Here's an inside tip for you: avoid the deli counter of your local grocery store if you can help it. Especially if the deli is closed for the evening. Looking under the glass at platters of chicken/potato salad is unsettling enough, but when you know they're just going to be hanging out there all night, everything just gets kicked up an extra notch, and nightmares are sure to follow.

Speaking of the deli counter, can someone please explain to me how on earth anyone gets the ideathat it would be a good idea to call certain foods things like: "head cheese," "liverwurst," "frogeye salad," and "meat-like glob loaf?"

I mean, have you looked at head cheese before? It's basically bits of the pig that no one wanted, held together by a thick, translucent gelatin. Take a look:

So obviously someone said to him/herself "man, this stuff looks really gross... No one's really buying it or eating it... You know what would help, if I gave it a name that sounds like something you'd need to get cleaned out of you if you got a really bad sinus infection."

One time a lady at the deli overheard me mocking head cheese, and told me I really needed to try it first. She made a motion towards the counter like she was going to ask the deliman (that word is to be pronounced "delimin"). I kept her at bay by asking her if she kept children locked up in her cellar for eating, or was she more of a "free range" kind of troll. It did not go over well. (Don't judge me, I lived in Northern Europe. People will try to convince you that it's normal to eat this kind of stuff... But trust me... It's strictly troll food.)

I can't walk past any of the squashes without wanting to lightly tap them. This is the gardener in me, I accept no alternative explanation.

You know what aisle I have no legitimate business enjoying as much as I do at my age? The "Seasonal" aisle. It's just such a fun aisle... Cheap costume accessories, limited edition candy, an inexcusable amount of spilled glitter on the floor. Fun... I did, however, spot a disturbing little Easter treat today. Small bottles of squeezable, drinkable marshmallow. Even with my former disgusting candy habits, I can't condone that. Not at all. Now will someone please buy some and let me watch you eat it?

The only aisle that surpasses the Seasonal, is the one that's usually just right beside it. The "We Ran Out of Places to Put Stuff, And We Know We're Really Not Making Any Organized Sense Anymore" aisle. For example, from right to left, tonight a shelf in this aisle contained the following:

Various pesticides and aerosol bug-killers.
Bundles of firewood.
Bike supplies (reflectors, water bottles, stickers, etc)
Sidewalk Chalk.
Copies of Jamie Lynn Spears Autobiography
Lip Balm
Purple Fanta
Old "Encyclopedia Brown" novels

The level at which the store stopped caring about sensible organization at this point really spoke to me. Also, it made me nervous. And tired. And like I really needed to buy a bucket of sidewalk chalk.

Why is it that you can find batteries hung up for sale scattered on the corner of every aisle in the store until you actually need to buy batteries? Further proof the universe thinks it's hilarious to watch people wander around in aimless confusion.

I love when a grocery store has giant bins of discount price DVDs. Sometimes I like to rummage through those and either reminisce about how many terrible movies I've seen in my life. Tonight I decided to grab one at random without looking, buy it, watch it, and later blog about the experience. This was the guy I fished out of there:

Turned out this one was a full 2 dollars more than the rest of the bin, so like a cheapskate, I tossed it back into the bin and changed my mind about that whole idea.

After looking at the description of this film on the back of the box, I fear I may have made a huge mistake.

(Although, I'm not sure if I could handle Some Mild Thematic Elements.)

There was an entire section of an aisle designated for "Pork N' Beans" - there was even a sign over that portion of the aisle with "Pork N' Beans" plastered on it, so if you were trying to spot them from a distance, you'd be in luck.

Thank goodness.

Sometimes I like to walk through the bookshelf in the grocery store, just to remind me that there are people out there making a significant amount of money by writing books with Fabio, or Fabio lookalikes on the cover. Good for them, I guess.

And somewhere in all this, there's a great joke about buying toilet paper, or the content of magazines in the checkout aisle... But I ended up seeing a guy who looked exactly like the blonde guy from Die Hard wandering around the store with bright orange sneakers, talking loudly on his cell phone about music content in video games. Needless to say, my focus was shot at that point.

Guide to Dating, Part IV -

2011-03-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

Yikes, I've really dropped the ball here. I got tons of great questions, and I've completely failed at keeping on top of them. I finally forced myself to sit down tonight and answer a few more, but the stuff I came up with was rather unfunny. Just some real uninspired stuff... And I didn't want to subject you to that.

Instead I hacked out a few more dating tips. These probably aren't much better, and the kid I work with who I developed this list for is in full-blown relationship mode now, so he feels he doesn't need my wisdom anymore. In fact, he's claiming that he got his girlfriend without following a single one of the tips I gave him. I'm calling lies on that one, but what can you do.

So to all five of you who have been anticipating this, enjoy:

-------------

49) Girls really like guys with accents. Especially British ones. So whenever you send a girl a text or email, throw the letter “u” into words. Examples:

“I find our exchanges ‘favourable’”
“What’s your favorite ‘colour?’ Mine’s clear.”
“I don’t really think you’re ‘bouring,’ I just said that so you’d ‘stoup’ talking.”
“Do you remember the show ‘Hangin’ with Mr. ‘Coouper?’’ Oh. Me neither.”

50) Barbecue sauce is a natural aphrodisiac. So before your first date, make sure to soak your fingers in the finest zesty BBQ sauce you can find. A good soak should last for about thirty to forty minutes. For dinner, get ribs.

51) Flossing is really important, I mean, what’s more embarrassing than your date catching you with chunks of food between your teeth? Always keep a spool of dental floss on your person. Floss your teeth immediately after eating dinner, do so at the dinner table so she can see how much you care about your oral hygiene. Leave the used floss on your plate so the waitress can also be impressed by you.

52) Take her to a sporting event. Liking sports is really manly, so get really into the game by doing things like: loudly threatening a referee, shoving another fan, sharing advanced stats and metrics about the game with your date, verbally abusing a mascot, etc.

Also, if your team loses, make sure you openly cry. This will have the double advantage of showing how much you care about sports, and that you’re sensitive, which ladies really dig.

53) Toe ring.

54) Talk about Justin Bieber a lot.

55) Talk about Charlie Sheen a lot.

56) I think we can all just assume that “creating a list of dating tips and putting them on a blog” pretty much goes without saying, right? I mean, it’s doing wonders for me, so it’d only be in your best interest to do the same.

57) Offer to cook dinner for her sometime. It seems really romantic and shows her what a great cook you are, which will only impress her further. Make some kind of hearty meal, roasted turkey or chicken, maybe some pasta, sky’s the limit. Just make sure she only gets a garden salad. If she tries to take any of the other dishes you made, say “are you sure you want this? You are watching your calories, aren’t you?” Then for dessert, demand she eats all the ice cream.

Mixed signals are like catnip for ladies.

58) Keep a small journal or notebook on you at all times. Whenever she does or says something out of the ordinary, pull out the notebook and write it down. If she ever questions you about the notebook, say it’s a ‘dream journal’ - then pull the book back out again, and mumble “also, she is nosy” under your breath as you write.

59) Pull out your text and send the girl you’re dating/you’re trying to date the following text message: “R U MAD @ ME?” Don’t give her a chance to respond before sending a follow up text of: “LOL, just a joke. LOL JK! Luv U!!!!” Then give it about 2 minutes and send: “No, srsly, r u mad?”

60) If at any point on a date you come across a feral cat, make sure you stop whatever it is you’re doing and go pick it up. Exit your vehicle if you must. This will show her you are sensitive and care about animals, also it gives you a moment to think about the next funny pun you’re going to share with her.

61) See how long you can carry on a conversation about the Atlantic Ocean. This won’t have a positive or negative effect on your relationship, but it will give you the opportunity to show yourself how well you can talk about the Atlantic Ocean for an extended period of time, which is an important life skill.

Q & A: Part 1

2011-02-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

I just couldn't believe how many responses I've gotten so far. So many of you just scrambling for advice and wisdom.

I won't let you down.

Let's just dig right in shall we?

Sir Sweaty asks:
"What if you get sweaty hands?"

Alright Sir, this is a common problem, and nothing to be ashamed of. Let's look at the science of this first. You see, ancient caveman would get sweaty hands when around ancient cavewoman as a signal that he was ready for the love making. So yeah, it's just part of our DNA, no use fighting it.

Instead, what I do is just keep a handful of talcum powder in my left pocket.

If you feel like the hands are starting to sweat up a little bit, and she's giving you the signal that she wants to hold hands, you should first do what you can to just skip that whole step and proceed straight to the making out. If you fail at that, just dip your hand into your pocket when she's not looking, subtly clap your hands together, doing what you can to minimize the size of the powder cloud, and get to holding hands. If her hands are sweaty and it makes a little powder cake, just act like you don't notice. If she says something about it, tell her you have no idea what she's talking about. Then proceed to making out.

Andrew asks:

My wife and I dont sleep in the same room anymore. How do I get back in her good grace?

I'll be the first to admit, I know pretty much everything there is to know about dating, but I'm no marriage expert. So, I hesitate to address the many questions I received from troubled married couples.

I have the perfect solution to this problem though. So, Andrew, you're in luck.

To answer this question, let's take a step back and analyze this whole concept. Why do fellas and ladies even share a bed? I mean, there's the kicking, the snoring, the blanket stealing, and all that stuff. Sheer logic would dictate that separate rooms would make the most sense. Truthfully human beings share a room for only two reasons:

a) the lovin'.

and

b) protection from predatory beasts and scary humans.

Now I'm assuming you're more or less a lost cause in the lovin' department, so if you really want to start sharing a room with your wife again, your best bet is going to be creating a very real and credible threat in your area, which will give your wife no choice but to let you back into her bedroom.

If you can, try freeing a tiger or gorilla from the local zoo. Maybe release a family of raccoons in her room when she's not home. Possums would work too, but I guess they're a little more regional.

If these prove ineffective, start breaking into houses around the neighborhood (carefully disguised of course), just make sure you don't hurt anyone or steal anything. Instead, scar them emotionally. You're going to have to keep up with it until it hits the news. Cross your fingers that the news anchor says something like "...and you could be next." Then you're golden.

The Lipless asks:
"I've been dating a guy for 2 months now, and he still hasn't kissed me. What's your advice on how to get this guy to put the moves on? Is it a lost cause? Do I need to take a hint? I'm in desperate need of some G-rated action here. Help."

Dear The Lipless,

Look, I feel really bad that I'm the one who has to break this to you, but very few guys are going to be up for kissing someone with no lips. So, I feel pretty safe in saying that this is your primary problem.

"Hey guy, look, we've been dating for awhile now, and I noticed you haven't kissed me. Is it because of my lipless snake face? Because if that's something you're not going to be able to see past, we should probably just end this right now." A little straightforwardness goes a long way.

Now, if it turns out he never actually noticed your condition, and you bringing it up causes him to freak out and run for the hills, I do apologize. You're better off with someone who will accept you for who you are.

I'd suggest checking out http://guyswhoreallylikeliplesswomenwholooklikereptiles.com/ - it's a dating site that would be right up your alley.

I also know a few guys who would be really into a girl like you. Feel free to contact me and I'll get you their number. Take a gander and pick your favorite(s).

Success is Just a Click Away.

2011-02-16T20:20:00.001-07:00

As a couple of you have probably noticed, I've been posting a handful of dating tips lately (pt I, pt II, pt III). The reason I created the guide in the first place was to ease the nerves of a co-worker of mine. Two weeks later? This young co-worker now officially has a girlfriend. True story. He came into work the day after Valentine's day and announced that he and this gal were "official."

Justin's List: 1, Fate: 0.

I'm gonna be honest. I feel a little drunk with power right now. So much so, that I could only think of one thing to do next.

That's right. I'm going to be offering my services to all of you, entirely free of charge. Don't be shy now. Here's how it's gonna work. You just saunter on down to that form right below this paragraph, and ask whatever it is you need. Whether you're a dude or a lady, don't you fret. Just ask whatever is weighing down your soul or keeping you up at night. Your question will just be emailed to me, where I'll craft an incredible answer, which you can look forward to in an upcoming blog post. Oh, and it's all anonymous. So there's that too. (Also, my answer is likely to do one of two things: fix all of your problems, or make some jokes. Fair warning.)

Powered byEMF Contact Form

Report Abuse

Guide to Dating Part III - Valentine's Day Edition

2011-02-14T17:13:00.001-07:00

I got a couple of requests to put up some more of my invaluable dating tips, with a special tilt towards this day of days.

So, it is without further ado that I present to you the ultimate guide on how to treat your gal to the perfect Valentine's Day.

------------

31) Buy her a fish. Nothing says “love me” quite like giving her a bowl she’s going to have to clean every few weeks.

32) By several bags of conversations hearts. Scribble out the phrase already on the heart with a sharpie and write your own, personalized phrase on the back. For example:

I C U R A 8TEES F4N. ME 2! DEF LEPPARD RULEZ!
I’M VD FREE!
LUV ME. OR ELSE. LOL! JK!
U REMIND ME OF MY MOMMY
I H8 UR VOICE. LOL! JK!

Get really upset if she doesn’t eat them.

33) Write a poem for her. But don’t really write the poem, that’s sissy talk. Instead just write down lyrics from a song by the Dave Matthews Band, Hootie and the Blowfish or Air Supply. Maybe Jewel. Be careful to not accidentally start singing your poem while reading it to her.

34) Magnum P.I. Box Set. Because nothing will get her in the mood faster than Tom Selleck’s facial hair. A scientifically proven fact. Look it up.

35) Don’t buy her chocolates. This gives the impression that you want her to get fat. Get her some celery, a couple rice cakes and Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ to the Olides.” Then she knows you want her to get skinny.

36) Forgot to get a reservation to her favorite restaurant? Every place you call all booked out for Valentine’s Day? Simple. Look for places that use rhymes in their name. “Rocko’s Tacos,” “Meat’sa Pizza,” or “Rod’s House of Cod.” In fact, include any place that uses the word “house,” “hut,” “shack,” or “hole.” Following either of these rules will ensure you need not fight many crowds, and whatever you’ve got planned after will seem extra romantic.

37) Candles may seem like a romantic idea at the time, but are you going to be able to keep yourself from dipping your finger in the wax, letting it dry, and repeating until you have a huge wax mold on your finger? I didn’t think so. That’s just impossible. So do yourself a favor and keep candles out of the equation.

38) What am I thinking? That sounds awesome. Buy candles. Lots of candles.

39) Don’t send her flowers at work. Those would only serve to stink up her workspace then die. Instead send her post-it notes and pens. Look around your desk, do you have enough post-its and pens? Of course you don’t.

40) Freestyle Rap.

41) Valentine’s Day is a day where those who are single often feel more lonely than they do on a normal day. If you have a lady already, take advantage of this day by subtly reminding her that she’s not getting any younger, and without you she’d be one step closer to dying alone. Buy her ribbon candy and a pair of reading glasses. Ask: “how old are you again?” and no matter what age she gives, respond with “ohhhhh, that’s right. Huh..” and stare off into the distance. Name a sitcom from the mid to late 90s and ask her if she remembers it. If she does, act shocked and say something like “wow, I mean, I think I’ve heard of Home Improvement, but I don’t really remember it.” Repeat these several times throughout the day.

41) Show her how many pull ups you can do. If you can’t do very many, tell her you tweaked your back and ask for a massage.

42) If your plans find you driving on the freeway with your lady, ask her to grab the wheel for you for just a second. After she’s reached over to grab the steering wheel, pull out your cell phone and start text messaging. Look up from time to time to comment on what a bad driver she is. Refuse to take hold of the steering wheel again unless your life is actually in jeopardy. Say, “next time, I’m driving.”

43) Carnations.

44) Make her breakfast in bed. Eggs over easy, three different kinds of sausage, ham, hash browns, havardi cheese, biscuits and gravy, extra gravy, a fourth kind of sausage, and a large glass of chocolate milk. No one leaves the bed until the food is all gone.

45) Get her one of those cards where you can record whatever you want. Record yourself singing Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open.” With gusto.

46) Buy her a prepaid voucher to legally change her name. Include a list of names you like better than hers. Make sure to include the names “Keith” and “Randall.” Also, put down at least two of the names of her hotter friends.

47) Women feel secure with a man they know can provide for them financially. Take her to an underground cock fighting ring and show her your “system.” If you somehow end up losing money, tell her it’s just part of your “system.” Buy her diamonds.

48) Buying clothing for women is tricky. But if you’re absolutely certain you’ve found something she’ll like, make sure you buy it at least 4 sizes too big. When she says something about it being too big, say “are you sure? I asked a woman your size to try it on, and it fit her perfectly.”

---------------------

May you all have a Valentine's Day free of diseases.

Guide to Dating, Part II

2011-02-08T16:05:00.002-07:00

I'm happy to announce, that the Guide to Dating, Part I has been a runaway success. The young coworker who I've been composing this guide for had a big date last weekend. He's planning on going for date number 2 this very weekend. I give 100% of the credit to the guide.

Not wanting to waste anytime, I quickly tossed out a few more rules for him to keep in mind if he hopes to win this girl's heart.

Without further ado.

--------

15) Ladies like to know about how successful you’ve been with women in the past. The appearance of being in high demand is more important than actual quality (like the Black Eyed Peas). So make sure to talk often about previous girlfriends (real or fictional). Assign them numerical values and tell her how she compares to them. Favorably or not.

16) When you watch movies together, spend most of the time telling her what your predictions are in terms of plot and character development. If you predict anything accurately, she is going to be very impressed. So predict loud and often.

17) Invite her to come watch you play in a rec league basketball game. If you’re not very good at basketball, don’t worry, just take it really seriously. Ask someone on the other team (or yours) what his “problem” is. Get in a fight.

18) Buy three different types of cologne. Put on 3 spritzes per bottle for maximum seduction. If you don’t get a mild upper-respiratory infection, you’re doing it wrong.

19) Talk, in depth, about UFC. Early and often.

20) Take her out to eat at a buffet. Say “you like that?” about everythying she chooses. Then look at her butt and purse your lips.

21) Cheddar Cheese.

22) “Train” for a triathlon. By this I mean: go for the occasional jog, buy a really expensive bike, publicly wear spandex and those biking shirts covered in corporate logos, shave your legs, and talk incessantly about your triathlon training.

23) Show her you’re politically savvy by blaming the high price of your dinner on Barack Obama.

24) Once you’re friends on Facebook with the girl you’re pursuing, start tagging pictures of Nicole Richie as her. If she gets upset about this, apologize and say you didn’t realize it wasn’t her. Then tag photos of Lionel Richie as her.

25) If you’re sick of the soda you’ve been drinking while driving around with your lady, don’t just leave it, whip it out the window at an oncoming car. Laugh. Ask her why she’s not. Buy another drink.

26) Upload a bunch of black and white pictures to Facebook. Call yourself an amateur photographer.

27) 2 Fast 2 Furious.

28) Prove your business know-how and savvy by saying the word “synergy.” A lot. For example: “boy, that episode of the Apprentice was very synergy. Donald Trump. Networking. Cyclical.”

29) You don’t want to seem like a nerd, so if you ever need to give out a website, always say the “www” part. Example: “oh yeah, go to www dot google dot com. Then type in www dot youtube dot com and push ‘search.’ You can find cool videos of Nickleback cover songs there.”

30) Film yourself chopping down a tree and send her a copy.

--------

I'll be sure to keep everyone posted as this guide develops.

I'm looking to change lives here people.

Guide to Dating. Yup.

2011-02-03T20:06:00.008-07:00

So a young coworker of mine has just re-entered the world of dating after being out of the game for a couple of years. He's been pretty nervous about jumping back into it all, so today I scrawled down a few tips to help get him to the top.

(disclaimer: I've never actually tried any of these things myself, but this is only further proof that they work.)

Justin’s Guide to Dating

1) If she ever says “so nice” when describing you, you’ve probably already lost her. You can try saying “is your hair supposed to look like that?” But it’s no guarantee.

2) Spit on the ground as much as possible. I never do this and I’m still single, so I bet it works.

3) Laugh at the misfortune of others. She will view empathy as a sign of weakness. Showing empathy of any kind causes her to mentally compare you to a guinea pig. You know how much action guinea pigs get? None.

4) Take your shirt off as much as possible. If there are lots of mirror or windows around you should probably almost never a have shirt on.

5) If twenty minutes goes by without you talking about something powered by a gasoline engine, you’re failing. (cars, motorcycles, vans, riding lawnmowers, etc.)

6) Don’t show exceptional intelligence of any kind. Talk about how much you enjoy the filmwork of Vin Diesel or that you only read magazines. Use the phrase “c’mere a minute” as much as possible.

7) Never compliment. This only serves to cause her to develop a notion that she can do better than you. If you feel you must compliment, do so in a backhanded manner. For example: “I really like your shoes, anything that keeps your toes hidden from the eyes of innocent children should be commended.” or “your nose looks less bulbous today.”

8) Watch Dancing With the Stars.

9) Start a band. Not musically inclined? Even better! The less talent you have and the more overt you are in showing off your status as a “musician” - the better.

10) If you haven’t fist-punched someone/something in front of her within the first four dates, throw in the towel. She won’t touch you.

11) Learn to spin a basketball. I have no proof this helps with women, but let’s not kid ourselves. It totally does.

12) Puppies.

13) Grow a mustache right away. Nothing screams “manliness” more than a mustache. If a woman’s man is mustachioed she will ALWAYS feel secure. This is a fact.

14) Speed. If you’re going less than fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit then you’re doing it wrong. Driving at dangerous speeds will accomplish at least one of the following:

Shows her what a big man you are.
Causes her to be so happy she’s alive at the end of the drive, she rewards you with loving you.
Gets you pulled over, which gives you a chance to mouth off to the cop and continue looking like a big man.

If you hit and kill a dog, tell her you saw it bite a toddler.

--------

Well, you better believe the guy is going to be well on his way to having all sorts of success real soon. Probably be married in a matter of months. Especially since I'll be delivering further tips to him on a daily basis.

Lucky him.

Sometimes The Kids Are Just Giants.

2010-12-12T18:40:00.003-07:00

Today is the Jacob's birthday. We took a picture together and I just had to share this:

I guess it's true what they say. "Sometimes your little brother stops wearing Peyton Manning jerseys, and instead grows several feet taller than you. Then he's also way cooler than you, but you just gotta roll with it."

Space. It's Where Fun Is.

2010-12-08T00:52:00.007-07:00

I gave up on trying to hide the fact that I'm a huge nerd a really long time ago, so it is with absolutely no shame that I share with you how thoroughly I've enjoyed watching When We Left Earth every night on Netflix with my little brother.

Yes, it's a 6 part documentary series about the history of NASA, and it has been utterly phenomenal. We've been hooked.

See?

Watch Out Now.

2010-11-13T23:33:00.002-07:00

Oh hey guys.

This.

Sir, We've got a Ghost Problem Off the Coast of Massachusetts.

2010-11-08T21:13:00.007-07:00

Today at work I had the following conversation over the phone with a customer:

Me: "So I have your email address as _____@usgg.mil"

Guy: "No, it's usCg as in United States Coast Guard."

"Ohhhhh, so you aren't in the United States Ghost Guard?"

"Ha! No, but that would be awesome."

"I'd say. Well let me fix that email address for you, and if you end up deciding to protect our Nation's coasts from the threat of ghosts both foreign and domestic just give me a call and I'll switch that email address back for you."

I spent the rest of the day thinking about how I really need to join the Ghost Guard. Don't even try to convince me it's not real either. Check this out...

For your consideration:

The logo for the US Coast Guard

The logo for the US Ghost Guard

US Coast Guard in Action

US Ghost Guard in Action

Enlist today.

Chip's Revenge.

2010-11-03T23:33:00.006-06:00

So if you've had the misfortune of faithfully reading my blog for the last few years, you may remember me sharing the story of one Miss Vicky.

You see, for the better part of a year and a half, I'd receive the occasional phone call from some girl pretending to be a sassy thing from the wrong side of Jersey. I was baffled at who this person could be, but I did my part and played along. Hilarity ensued.

Then, just before I moved to Washington DC, one Anna Campbell revealed herself to be the voice behind the legend that was Vicky from Miami. Had I known the Karli/Anna/Emily trio as well then as I do now, Anna would have certainly been my first guess, but at the time it came as quite the surprise.

So a year or so later, when the opportunity for a little revenge arose, there was absolutely no way I could pass it up.

At this time Anna, Karli, and Emily were all going to the same single's ward as I was. So, enlisting the help of Anna's sister Amy, the two of us devised a plan to best Anna at her own game. We invented her worst nightmare.

Meet Chip.

We invented Chip for one purpose, and one purpose only. To fall deeply and hopelessly in love with Anna Campbell.

Chip was, obviously, also a member of the single's ward. Just a lad who took notice of Anna one special Sunday from afar and instantly knew she was the woman born to make all his hopes and dreams come true. Chip finally gathered the courage to approach Anna's home teacher to ask for her phone number so he could call her up and ask her out on a date.

Fashioning the most awkward voice I could muster, I called Anna and left her a rambling, uncomfortable voice mail in which "Chip" told her all about his feelings and hope for a connection between the two of them. We were about to have a Ward Christmas Party and Chip hoped more than anything for Anna to accompany him to said Christmas Party.

After spending quite some time stressing out, Anna gave Chip a call back and left the following voice mail:

A kinder soul might have let Anna in on the joke at this point, as she was likely losing sleep and she was visibly skittish at both the ward party and every Sunday at church. I'm not exaggerating when I say that she spent all three hours terrified and utterly convinced that Chip was about to burst around the corner and start professing his love.

However, I am not a kinder soul. I got Vicky for a year and a half. Chip had to stick around for longer than just a couple days.

After the Christmas party, Chip was rather offended. He called Anna again, letting her know that he had seen her at the party and didn't notice her with anyone else, as her voice mail had claimed. He said that as she was obviously not taken, he would very much like to take her out on a date and show her the time of her life. That the two of them together would be something for the ages, and a force to be reckoned with.

Anna called again, and left another classic voice mail.

Boy Anna, some unfortunate soul bears his soul and you just laugh in his face for it huh? Poor fella.

Well, in any case, at that point I'd felt guilty enough for the stress young Anna was having to endure, and we all let her in on the game. I don't think I'd ever seen more relief on another human being's face before.

Poor poor Anna. I hope all the real Chips up in Logan are taking her on horse back rides and to delicious seafood dinners.

A Night at the Movies

2010-11-02T00:43:00.002-06:00

Yep. This is number three. I know each one is more ridiculous and pointless than the last, but hey, until I can think of something interesting enough to actually write about, you guys will get to "enjoy" these things instead.

Still Friends.

2010-10-28T23:51:00.002-06:00

I know these aren't really the greatest things ever, but I do enjoy making them, so I'm sorry. You guys will just have to keep putting up with them.

Just the Very Best of Friends.

2010-10-23T19:24:00.004-06:00

So earlier today I stumbled upon this nifty little website that lets you create little movies using text-to-speech and simple animation.

Of course, I had to make something for you all to enjoy.

Yeah. That's really all the introduction I've got for you here. I hope you're ready.

Purrfect.

2010-10-21T23:32:00.005-06:00

You know what this yard has always needed?

A two-story inflatable black cat?

Yup.

Don't you think that would, you know, severely creep everyone out? Especially those two children standing beneath its.... Um... Its 'smile'?

Nope. Check out this video. They're having a blast.

Oh boy, and its head tilts side to side ever-so-slightly. That's wonderful.

You bet your bottom dollar it is... And get this... Best part? It's only three hundred bucks plus shipping from Canada.

I'm going to be honest with you, the giant inflatable cat is a terrible idea.

Hey, why do British people put the letter u in the word color? "Colour." That's weird.

Huh? That's just how they've always spelled it, we actually-

Hey speaking of cats, check this out:

I hate you.

Heaven Help Us All.

2010-08-31T23:18:00.009-06:00

So here's the deal. I like to make fun of society a lot... You know, how no one seems to be capable of 3rd grade grammar, or the frequent absurdity of Facebook, or even just folk in the mall... It's not an uncommon thing for me to mock society in general, but for the most part it's just all in good fun. I'm just making a joke at the expense of a few, and I don't really believe society as a whole is irredeemable.

But after what I heard today...

If this is even just kind of true...

Well, then I just won't know what to say anymore.

You see... I heard/read somewhere that they are thinking of remaking Back to the Future.

No.

Just no.

This is not something you do.

If you think I'm over-exaggerating, then I'm going to go ahead and guess that you either haven't seen Back to the Future in awhile, or you're just too young to have ever seen it in the first place. So if this describes you, and you think I'm just waxing nostalgic, go find a copy and watch it.

Go ahead... I'll wait right here. You'll come back and thank me for reminding you about/introducing you to such an absolutely phenomenal and vital film in our modern cultural history.

Now many studios lately seem to have proven they have no souls, and will schill anything for a buck, so I might be willing to not fly entirely off the handle at the notion of a Back to the Future remake, but they just had to push it too far...

Who, might you ask, is rumored to play the part of our dear Marty McFly?

Justin Bieber.

I'm not making this up. I certainly pray that someone else is making this up, but I am not.

Now if you'll need me, I'll just be under a rock hiding from the imminent remakes of The Goonies with Zac Efron, and The Princess Bride with Miley Cyrus and some other Disney Channel fool I don't know or care about.

He's Interested in Most Phases of Data Processing.

2010-08-22T00:31:00.007-06:00

I enjoy late night episodes of Iron Chef America far more than I probably should. If you don't, then shame on you. There's just something about Kitchen Stadium that just speaks to ones soul, especially after midnight.

Gremlins was quite the concept, wasn't it? I mean, when you really think about it... Sometimes I wonder how that movie pitch went.

"Look guy, we got this little puppet thing, right? Well, don't get it wet, because then it sprouts little fur balls that turn into more furry puppets. Then if they eat after midnight, they turn into little green guys who just start murdering everything. Also this isn't really a horror movie. Or a puppet movie. And Howie Mandel is gonna do the voice of the main puppet (this took me by surprise, but it is a fact, look it up). His name is Gizmo. Don't worry though, Howie's gonna be hosting an inexplicably popular game show in about 20 years, so it'll be perfect. Also he'll do Bobby's World."

That being said. I loved that movie as a kid.

Look at this picture I just came across online.

Wow. Just wow.

Apparently it likes Fresca. Who knew?

Just wanted to leave you guys with this classic gem:

Down Memory Lane

2010-08-13T17:43:00.004-06:00

A few years ago my dad, my brother and I went on a trip all over the east coast of the United States. It was quite possibly one of the greatest, most entertaining trips of my lifetime.

Nothing says 'scenic' like a hotel room window.

Anyways, at the (heavy) prompting of my dad, I blogged the entire trip. I ended up having an incredibly fun time doing so, and it turned out all sorts of random people had a good time reading it (who knew?)

So imagine my dismay when a year or two ago I let the domain name I was hosting that blog on expire. I was too lazy to attempt an extraction of the blog, and thus it sat in the internet ether, not to be enjoyed by anyone. Until today. You see, for some random reason I decided to see if that domain had been dropped by the squatter who picked it up, turns out it had been, so I snatched it up, and that old website and blog are now back in business and ready to party like it's 2007 (ugh. I have no excuse for using that phrase just then.)

So I wouldn't ever expect anyone other than my immediate family to take the time to browse my rambling stories and occasional quips from a vacation I went on 3 years ago - but if anyone else feels like it, knock yourself out.

Read it here: http://daviesfam.com/backeast/

Murderous Rage

2010-07-29T17:38:00.008-06:00

I've blogged before about the troubles I had hunting a gopher in our garden earlier this year. We all had some good laughs as I talked about being outsmarted by a gopher I named Douglas as I tried, unsuccessfully, to weed him out of the garden.

Well, three months later and I can honestly say, I've never wanted to end something so badly before in my life.

I've always considered myself to be a lover, not a fighter, especially when it comes to animals. I'm a huge softy when it comes to animals, I'll just be up front and honest right there (yeah, I'm not very manly when it comes to something, shocker I know...), I've spent hours with my dad helping trapped hummingbirds get out of the garage, I've been literally saddened by watching squirrels get hammered on Dimple Dell Rd, I just don't like seeing things die or get hurt. Even rodents.

But not this bastard.

Oh, I'd kill him with my own bare hands if I had the chance. I'm really not exaggerating either.

You see, he's destroyed every potato plant we have with the exception of 4 (one of which I can tell he's already working on, and the others I'm sure he'll get to soon).

(just a few of the corpses from his murderous rampage)

Each of the following gopher disposal methods have all been entirely fruitless:

-flooding

-poison smoke bombs used on 4 different occasions - no affect

-at least 5 attempts to lay poison down in his tunnels (half the times mixed with peanut butter to make it even more appealing) - with this method we dig out the tunnel, lay the poison down, cover our hole with something (wood, a large rock, etc) and cover with a little dirt to block out all the sun (as instructed by the garden experts and the poison bottle).... Apparently someone tipped the dude off, because all he did whenever we employed this method was back-fill the entire tunnel, burying the poison, and burying my hopes and dreams.

-speaking encouraging words to the stray cat who likes to prowl around our garden in the evenings - and all that lazy cuss does is stare at me then wander off to hunt voles.

-saving up for one of these -

If anyone wants to donate to this cause, feel free. (and to the newslady who warns viewers who "have a fondness for gophers" -- look, if anyone has a fondness for those beasts, they can join the exploded gophers in hell. Where all gophers go when they die.)

In the end though, the gopher's going to win this battle. The potatoes are pretty much all gone now, so at this point, my continued hunting is just going for a moral victory. Like a football team down 42-3 going for a touchdown late in the 4th instead of just running out the clock.

On the bright side, everything else has been left alone and been coming in great. We made tinfoil dinners out of garden food last weekend, and they were beyond delicious.

We (Ashley) ate tons and tons of peas, the carrots are pretty much gone, the onions, the radishes have been long gone, but the string beans are just coming in:

We've also harvested a cucumber with many more coming right behind. The tomatoes are getting very close, and the edamame is finally starting to blossom after just sitting there looking big and green, mocking me with their nothingness.

And last, but not least, the watermelon is going nuts. We've got several melons, here are three of them:
I almost want the gopher to try his luck at taking the watermelon out. That'd get Ashley after him, and he'd be toast.

I'm Not Quite Sure Why

2010-07-26T18:04:00.004-06:00

But this weekend I got the theme song from Perfect Strangers stuck in my head.

Oh Balki.

Your lack of knowledge regarding American culture sure made for some crazy adventures.

Live Music Saturday

2010-05-15T10:36:00.003-06:00

Going to see Horse Feathers at Kilby Court tonight, and in honor of the joy that is seeing live music, I thought I'd take this Saturday morning to share a clip of some live music featuring a song and/or artist that you may or may not be familiar with.

If I'm feeling adventurous, I just might make this a weekly tradition.

For your enjoyment: To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra

Adventures in Facebooking II

2010-05-01T12:55:00.004-06:00

So I've held off on posting the latest update in my conversation with one miss Julie Camp (or as I have affectionately started calling her: Miss Virusspambotinator 3000). After the salvo of ridiculousness I sent0 "her" way, I thought there was absolutely no chance I'd receive any kind of response. So when I received a reply the very next day I was utterly thrilled.

I haven't heard a word from "her" since, and I didn't really want to dedicate an entire post to one simple reply - as it's doomed to be anti-climatic in comparison to the last one, but what can you do?

For your enjoyment:

I'm sorry to say, this will likely be the last Facebooking adventure we will see for some time. At least until I start to get hassled by weirdos again.

We can only hope.

Adventures in Facebooking.

2010-04-26T20:15:00.012-06:00

Oh Facebook. You can be quite the odd place to hang out sometimes. Yes, you're nothing like your disease-ridden cousin MySpace (who I think we can all agree now consists solely of bands and spambots), but last night you did your best to remind me of those MySpace days back in 2005...

You see, I logged into Facebook before turning in for the night, and saw I'd received a new message.

How fun for me.

That was, until I saw it was just a message from some woman from Missouri who I instantly doubted was a real human at all.

Obviously, my first reaction was not to get annoyed and delete this ridiculous message immediately, but it was to have a little fun with the situation. Whether this was actually a real human or not.

This morning I was shocked to see that I actually received a response last night. So obviously I sent a quick reply in attempt to foster this new found friendship.

So far I have heard nothing in return, and sadly, I don't expect to...

However, today I got a friend request from someone I didn't recognize at all.

I took a quick look at her profile to see we had zero mutual friends and it looked like she had just barely created her profile while simply amassing a pretty good number of friends in that short time. My gut, again, told me this was either not a real person, or someone who I should most definitely be messing with.

I didn't accept or decline the friend request, but instead sent her a message.

I haven't heard anything back from her either. Apparently my Facebook friendship isn't as valuable as I thought.

Stay tuned for any developments in these cases.

Douglas: 2, Justin: 0

2010-04-24T15:44:00.018-06:00

Allow me to apologize in advance for consecutive blog posts about the garden. You're going to be hearing lots about it over the coming months, but I was hoping to at least spice things up a bit with some entertaining posts between sounding like a seventy year old man constantly talking about his garden.

I was going to hold off on a garden post... Then war was declared.

Earlier today I went up to the garden to water it and check on its progress when I was greeted by discovering a fresh mound of dirt surrounding a neat little tunnel between a couple of the rows of peas. Now, I've seen a couple of these mounds show up around the outskirts of the garden over the last few weeks, but this time the little terror was mocking me by flaunting his fresh new hole smack dab in the middle of my garden.

Quickly, I armed myself with the hose and ran over to start the water. Weapon in hand, I approached the hole. Rage coursed through my veins when I saw that in the time it took me to grab the hose and turn it on, my new archenemy had gone and filled his hole right back in - replacing it with a neat mound of loose dirt. Cursing his name (which I've decided is Douglas), I proceeded to flood his mound while I pictured him safe and dry in his underground lair, laughing at his successful attempt at making me look like a fool.

Realizing I'd been defeated, I hooked the hose back up to the sprinklers, gave the garden a quick water, and grabbed the camera to take some pictures of the garden to share with you all.

I came back up to the garden and sure enough...

The little SOB was baiting me.

I knew with complete certainty that he was just waiting for me to walk away, unscrew the hose, go turn it on and come back to yet another filled in hole.

I'm a pretty patient guy, and I'll put up a lot, but if there's one thing I can not abide, it's being entertainment for a rodent. So I walked up the hill above the garden and sat, waiting for him to pop up and make sure his plan was working yet again.

After sitting for what felt like far too long, and not seeing so much as a whisker, I started to wonder if he'd started himself a brand new game. This time setting me up to see how long I would stare at a hole in the ground.

Mark my words, I will gain the upper hand in this battle if it's the last thing I do.

For now though, I have a feeling that he's just toying with me.

---As promised - here are some Douglas-free pictures of the garden.---

One of our 10 rows of peas

Pea Sprout

Just a few sprouts of Edamame have already made it through.

A week after starting the garden I started a row of Radishes. So far they're the champs, with a full row of sprouts.

It's About Time!

2010-04-10T16:40:00.001-06:00

I have been a little out of control when it comes to my excitement to start the garden this spring... Yes I realize that this gardening obsession does me no good in terms of making me look "hip" - but I gave up on that a loooooong time ago.

Every weekend I would wake up with grand plans to get the garden started, and every weekend I woke up to a blizzard, I was less than pleased. So after spending this past week in Dallas for work, today my Dad and I were finally able to do some tilling and some planting - and now the garden is on its way.

Since I've completely neglected my blog this year, I figured I'd keep everyone up to speed on the progress of the garden (and hopefully bash through my blogger's block soon, to provide you all with posts that are more entertaining than photos of the progression of our garden.)

So here's a picture of our garden: Day 1

And for your (but honestly, mostly my) convenience, here's a picture to show you what we actually planted in the garden so far.

Prepare yourself for plenty of more nerdy posts such as these. I'm not ashamed.

Talent.

2010-02-27T15:29:00.007-07:00

Karli's recent post showing off her rendition of George Washington sparked a distant memory of mine.

You see, as a young lad I really enjoyed drawing, despite the fact that I was far from skilled... So I approached any school assignments requiring us to draw or color with mass amounts of gusto.

In the second grade we were asked to do a self portrait. We had to hang them up out in the hallway outside of our room.

Yikes. Poor kid.

I promise that while I definitely had my awkward years, I didn't look nearly as alien-like as this picture suggests.

On a lighter note, in the same folder I found my self portrait, I also found the Dinosaur I got to invent. I have positively no doubt that this particular assignment was the greatest in-class moment of my educational career.
Feel free to load up the larger version of the image in an attempt to read my description of the "Justinosaurs"

If I were a dinosaur, I'm certain that I would eat pork chops.

DK

2009-12-23T23:58:00.004-07:00

The other day while rummaging through some old tapes, I found one chock full of footage from a trip a friend and I took to Denmark several years back. I decided I may as well slap the clips together and make a video out of it.

The video camera I used was apparently built in a way that made it impossible for me to hold it even remotely steady - so I apologize in advance for the shakiness of it all.

Tomorrow.

2009-11-27T12:59:00.002-07:00

Excitement.

Jakesta.

2009-11-12T16:43:00.002-07:00

While browsing Facebook, I made the following surprising discovery... It turns out that my little brother Jake spent some time driving around the east coast sporting sideburns, a goatee, a pipe, and occasionally driving with his shirt off.

It was quite the surprise.

The Great Cereals of Yesteryear.

2009-10-20T14:07:00.017-06:00

Does anyone other than me remember this?

Today at work we started talking about the greatness that is Boo Berry cereal, and for whatever reason, Nerds Cereal popped into my head. I don't remember it lasting more than a few years, but I definitely remember three things very distinctly:

-how delicious it was
-the fact the box was essentially split in half like the box of candy was
-and last but not least...
...The official Nerds Cereal Bowl. This was featured prominently in the commercials as something you could send away for, and, as with so many things from childhood, that commercial was the closest to the bowl I ever came.

If only...

Then this got me to thinking about how back then we had so many awesome types of cereal, and now days it seems like those poor youngsters are stuck with the same ol' Lucky Charms, nothing nearly as cool or unusual as Nerds Cereal...

So, I started to see how many of those cereals of our childhood I could remember... Cereals we will probably never have the great fortune of tasting again...

See how many of these you can remember.

Nintendo Cereal System

Bonus info for this ad? I'd be willing to bet cash money this was clipped from a Nintendo Power Magazine.

Like pretty much every guy my age, I grew up on a steady diet of Nintendo, so whenever I got a chance to get my mitts on this combo - good night. I can just imagine my reaction to seeing this for the first time:

(I love the fact that it wasn't just a cereal.. It was a cereal system)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal

Much like Nintendo, being a boy in the late 80s early 90s pretty much translated to loving everything to do with the ninja turtles, so an affinity to this cereal is a given - however, I can absolutely remember this being a delicious cereal. All we'd need to bring it back would be a sugar coated version of Corn Chex with marshmallows tossed in...

yet another bowl I could only dream of owning...

Turtles or no, it would still taste fantastic.

Mr. T Cereal

When I was trying to come up with more retro-awesome cereals, this one kept popping into my head.. I can vaguely remember eating it, and liking it, but I couldn't quite figure out why it was coming to mind easier than other old school cereals.. Then it hit me.
Pee Wee Herman ate this very cereal before his Big Adventure.

Still, a very good cereal, if I'm remembering correctly, not too dissimilar from Oh's, which I maintain is the greatest snacking cereal available today.

Ice Cream Cones Cereal

I'd almost completely forgotten about this stuff, but man, it was tasty. I remember being a fan of the chocolate chip over the vanilla though. I wish I had more anecdotes about this one, but really I can only remember thinking they were really good, and my sister liking it even more than I did.

Ghostbusters Cereal

This was a mighty mighty tasty cereal. It was pretty much like a tastier version of Fruit Loops with those ever-important marshmallows added in.

I'd feel confident in saying that I'd devour a box of this, even if it was over 20 years old, and still thoroughly enjoy every bite of it.

--------------

There's still like 3 or 4 other old school cereals that are right on the tip of my brain, but I can't quite come up with them... But am I the only one who remembers eating any of these remarkably fantastic products? Anyone remember any kinds I'm forgetting? (keeping in mind the rule that the cereal isn't one of the ones still with us)

Mount Timpanogos Hike

2009-10-04T15:40:00.002-06:00

Yeah, it's another hiking video... I promise I'll get to posting stuff that's a little more entertaining sometime in the near future.

Anyways, I was happier with how the Lone Peak one turned out, but this one is much shorter, so maybe more than like 2 people will actually watch the whole thing.

Feeding the Inner-Geek

2009-09-29T13:39:00.002-06:00

I'm a nerd/geek/dork/all that stuff. I readily admit it though. Sadly, a few of you that watch the video below will claim that it is not overflowing with awesome - and you, my dear friends, are kidding yourselves.

Lone Peak II

2009-09-20T15:30:00.000-06:00

Once again we decided to spend a holiday hiking to the top of Lone Peak. This time.. Labor Day.

I've hiked Lone Peak several times over my life now, but I really have to say that this was one of the best in terms of just the amount of nature we saw up there. We saw tons of deer, a few pine hens, a herd of mountain goats just feet from the peak, a golden eagle who gave us an aerial show for a solid half hour, and of course - a few fat rock chucks.

I tried my hand at creating a video for the first time ever, and I fully realize it's just long enough for only a few of you to actually watch all the way through, but for those of you who do... enjoy.

Doodling

2009-09-12T15:28:00.005-06:00

Last night Karli and I went to the Joshua James concert (Karli blogged about it here), and yes, the concert was fantastic - but we didn't get let in the doors until over 30 min later than they said we were going to.. And to add to the frustration of not getting let in, there were no pre-show tickets sold, so it was first-come first-serve, and the part of the line in front of us grew faster than the part behind us.

So while we were waiting, Karli and I decided to take turns drawing masterpieces on my ipod.

So, presented in the order in which we drew them, enjoy our masterpieces.

Cousin Mose: By Karli

?: By Justin (I really struggled with drawing words)

Justin as an Astronaut: By Karli

Karli as a Deep Sea Diver Fending Off a Great White Shark with a Harpoon: By Justin

Henry the Cat & His Feelings of Waiting in Line for So Long: By Justin

One-Handed Buster: By Karli

Tobias Fünke: By Justin

George Michael and Egg: By Karli

Tired Justin: By Karli

Justin Solving his Tiredness Problem: By Justin

This excellent piece by Karli was of the couple on their first date who were behind us in line, and sitting next to us during their show. He didn't really stop talking the entire night, they were quite the pair.

Karli After Getting 1 Mento for 25 cents From a Candy Machine: By Karli

Strict Joy.

2009-08-28T19:40:00.002-06:00

My borderline obsession with Glen and Marketa (The Swell Season) has been well documented through the course of this blog, so most of you should not be surprised at my excitement for the release of their new album in October. A couple of weeks ago they recorded a short acoustic performance at NPR studios - and featured a couple of their new songs.

You can watch and/or download it here.

Legos are Danish.

2009-08-26T09:37:00.003-06:00

Stumbled upon this video yesterday, and I personally think it's concentrated awesome. The YouTube info on the video simply states "1500 hours of moving legobricks and take photos of them."

More Sticks.

2009-08-19T14:26:00.006-06:00

I'm aware of the fact that the chances of anyone caring about this are slim to none, but I really felt like I'd been neglecting my blog and needed to put something up here - so in a callback to a recent post - here are my latest completed sticks.

This is a semi-before and after shot of the Canyon Maple stick.. The 'before' shot was after I'd done pretty much everything but stain and coat it.

And here's the before and after of the Cottonwood. The 'before' on this one was just after I'd taken the bark off, and obviously I didn't stain this one, just put a clear coat on.

Lastly, this is a Quakie I got while Ashley, Nate, Jake and I went camping a couple weeks ago. I was in a hurry trying to get this branch, and I kind of mangled it, so it didn't turn out quite as well as I would've liked, but oh well.

Um, yeah, I'm still a huge nerd, and this has been my summer hobby.

Classic.

2009-08-08T17:30:00.003-06:00

I kind of forgot this was even up on YouTube - but for over 3 years now the world has had access to the greatest Woody Woopecker impression that has ever been.

I apologize for the fact that you can't see anything in the video, we were in my aunt and uncle's back yard at night, and I was also taping without the knowledge of our performer.

For your enjoyment: Woody Woodpecker - a Linda performance.

Because You Look Ridiculous.

2009-08-04T13:07:00.003-06:00

I stumbled upon this little treat today.

It made me happy on the inside.

That's Just How She Rolls.

2009-07-30T00:39:00.013-06:00

I feel like sharing with all of you the conversation Karli and I just had via facebook chat. I have no idea if anyone will find it as hilarious as I did - but here you have it.

12:30am Justin
what's up?

12:30am Karli
not much my homie

12:31am Justin
haha
why are you thug life now?

12:32am Karli
what you smokin fool. iz alwayz bin thug

12:36am Karli
i really like that i just said that

I am fully prepared...

2009-07-20T20:15:00.005-06:00

...to be mocked on this one, but I've come to grips with it all, and I'm utterly okay with it all.

So here it is.

I have a new hobby. A new hobby that upon hearing about it, images of an old man sitting in a rocking chair of some sort usually come to mind. Now seeing how most of my friends like to poke fun at the fact that I'm not really a "youngun" anymore - I feel like I'm just walking directly into their trap with this post - but, like I said, I'm completely okay with this new-found hobby of mine.

contrary to popular belief, this is NOT an accurate representation of me.

It all started about a month ago, when my dad asked me to go cut back a bunch of branches from this wild Box Elder tree that's been growing in our front yard. When he came out to check on my progress, my dad realized it was just the type of tree that he can carve whistles out of. So he went down in his office and carved up several awesome little tree whistles. When I saw that in order to make the whistles, he would pull an entire section of the bark right off, for some reason it made me want to go de-bark a full branch, just because I was that bored. So after I peeled the bark off of an entire branch, looking at the pure piece of wood that was left over made me think, "hey, this would be a really easy way to make a hiking stick."

Thus began my old man hobby.

I found a good sized branch, cut it off the tree, de-barked it and let it dry for several days, as apparently box elder is a pretty waterlogged type of wood. Once it was good and dry, I spent a solid week or so sanding it down, then stained and finished it.

When it was all said and done I was left with this:

for your consideration: an additional angle from which to view the completed stick.

Just like that I was hooked. The other day I was up Millcreek Canyon, and the whole time I couldn't help but look for new project branches. I came away with a pretty cool looking Canyon Maple branch - which I've already used my dad's Dremel tool to shave down all the knobs, and I've finished my first layer of sanding.

I also found a Cottonwood branch that I've only de-barked so far.

So there you have it... For some odd reason I've really enjoyed working on these, so I'll probably have a room full of hiking sticks by the time winter rolls around.

That should do us a whole lot of good.

(and no, this isn't considered whittling... I'm not quite talented enough for that.)

Lone Peak.

2009-07-09T09:56:00.003-06:00

Yes, this is a TOTAL cheat, but this post is basically going to consist of a link to another post. I hiked Lone Peak with my Dad and a couple of his friends for the 4th of July. As Lone Peak always is, it was a tough hike - but incredibly satisfying.

Please check out my Dad's post at his blog for pics and vids!

Try My Cookie Cookie.

2009-06-26T11:31:00.003-06:00

So now that it's summer time, and people are out having all sorts of fun every night, should it come as a surprise that I'm at home making cookies? Nah, you're right. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone... At least with Karli there to help, we can turn it into a video for everyone to enjoy.

This Picture

2009-06-06T14:54:00.003-06:00

Is probably my favorite one of all time. Even after four years, it still makes me laugh.

It's Fruittastic.

2009-06-06T02:39:00.004-06:00

I stumbled across these pictures tonight and for some reason I rather enjoyed them. I'm not quite sure if I know why...

But hey, it's been a long time since I've posted anything, and I figured that when the ol' writer's block hits, I might as well post a bunch of random pictures.

Playing God. With Cutlery.

2009-05-21T19:33:00.006-06:00

I've always been a fan of the spork (moreso because I like saying "spork" than because of the actual functionality of said spork), so when I found this online today I just had to share:

I also like to say "cutlery"

Traileriffic.

2009-05-19T20:31:00.003-06:00

The answer is: Yes, it's absolutely as awesome as it looks.

I'm Not Really the Kindest Soul in the World.

2009-05-17T21:06:00.007-06:00

So yesterday morning I went golfing with my friends for our monthly Green Jacket competition. We had an 8:30 tee time up in Midway, so I got up much earlier than I care to on a Saturday (or any day for that matter) - made the drive down to Provo - rode up with the friends to Midway - played some TERRIBLE golf (as usual) - and we came back down to Provo. Now this in itself is obviously nothing to blog about; I mean, it was a gorgeous day of golf, and we certainly had our fair share of laughs out there on the course, but I'll spare you all from being subject to the filthy humor of my friends (unlike the pure and clean humor of yours truly), no, I'd like to discuss with you what happened after the golfing was through.

You see, I had a BBQ with a group of friends down in Orem at 6:00 yesterday evening, so when we got back down to Provo at around 2:30, I had a decision to make - drive all the way back up to Sandy only to turn back around, drive back to Provo and then make yet another trip back up to Sandy - OR figure out how to kill some time, and putter around the Provo/Orem area until 6:00.

Not relishing the thought of all of that driving, I decided I could easily find a way to pass 3 and a half hours on a Saturday afternoon. I first decided to follow the pattern my mother has set down, that 3 and a half hours on a Saturday afternoon could easily be spend driving around town and "shopping."

So, since I was still in an old pair of running shoes (I don't golf in golf shoes yet - I'm too terrible at the sport to justify that purchase) - and they were soaking wet from trying to retrieve golf balls of mine that somehow found their way into nearby streams and ponds - I decided that it would be a good idea to buy a new pair of shoes. You see, I'm the type of person who finds one pair of jeans, or one pair of shoes, or basically one necessary item of clothing that I really like, and I wear it into the ground. So, needless to say, I've stood in need of a new pair of shoes for quite some time now. It was on this mission that I quickly discovered that shopping would not be the ideal way for me to kill three and a half hours... I walked into a store, spotted a pair of shoes that looked good, asked the salesman if I could try on a pair in my size, tried on the pair he brought out for me, was pleased, and purchased the shoes. This entire ordeal took no more than eight minutes.

After making this purchase, I knew I wasn't going to be spending any more money for the rest of the day, so I spent the rest of the time wandering aimlessly around the mall - something I haven't really done since I was in middle school, when my cousin Brandon would talk me into coming to the mall with him to try and meet girls (you can guess how successful that ever turned out to be... For me at least... Brandon probably cleaned up). Now, let me tell you, this time around - aimlessly wandering the corridors of the mall turned out to be quite the experience, as long as I was looking in the right(wrong) places.

--The first thing that caught my eye was a gentleman sitting on one of those benches positioned in the middle of the mall hallways - you know - the ones where you're sitting right between the entrances of two stores, and you always feel like you're either on display for the people exiting the shops, or that you should feel like a creep for sitting there right in front of a Victoria's Secret - or worse - a Hot Dog on a Stick. So sitting on one of these benches, mindlessly playing with the fake leaves of the potted plants that somehow make the entire arrangement of the hallway bench seem even more uncomfortable to me, was a man who looked like he was barely grasping on to life. He had beads of sweat rolling down his forehead, and his hair looked like he'd either given it a good grease down before leaving for the mall, or he was sweating even more profusely than I'd originally thought. I wasn't quite sure if he was there shopping for himself, or waiting for his significant other to come out of the nearest store, frankly I couldn't really ascertain much about the fellow as my eyes were automatically transfixed upon the near-perfect square patch of chest hair staring proudly at the world from his half-buttoned shirt. Yes, here was a man, I would venture to say in his mid to late 50s, exhausted, sitting in the middle of a mall, and wearing a bright blue silk shirt buttoned only about half way, with a black-gray puff of chest hair staring at the world. I'd honestly never seen a chest-patch quite like this one.. His chest was completely bare except for this perfect little square. It almost looked like someone had laid down a single piece of sod on an otherwise barren field, and called it a day... It was quite hypnotic in a disgusting way - please enjoy my artistic recreation:
--Once I was able to break away from the patch, I almost ran directly into a kid wearing one of these shirts:
Always a classic, right? Dude was walking around like he was pretty hot stuff, and I had to fight to suppress the urge to drag him to a mirror and ask him if he could look at himself and not want to slap him in the face. Instead, I just walked on - only to see the same chap a few minutes later in some store that apparently sells only cologne and perfume (I'd honestly never noticed the place before, but was just fortunate enough to peer in at just the right time), and the dude had a fistful of paper slips I assumed were samples in one hand, and was leaning over the counter frantically pointing at other bottles with his other hand. I laughed, and the girls who had just left Hot Topic buying stuff to help them look even more like vampires in the hopes that they can find their own Edward must have thought I was laughing at them (which I probably would have, if captain dbag wasn't trying to cologne sample his way to the top) because they gave me quite the evil eye.

The rest of my short time wandering through the mall consisted of a frazzled mother literally swinging her daughter by her arm away from the toy store and directly into my shins - overhearing an argument between two kids in the video game store about why his World of Warcraft character would be more threatening in real life than the other's - having one of those cell phone kiosk guys hassle me on two separate occasions, apparently not recognizing me the second time until about mid-way through his "Hey man!" speech - seeing Patch Man a second time, going to town on a pretzel and apparently not realizing that he had (no lie) at least 3 of those big grains of salt perched nicely in his patch.

After realizing that I wasn't blessed with my mother's gift to be able to spend countless hours at the mall, I went to Best Buy, where I was able to feel like a normal person again.

Oh, then I went to the park and took a nap on the grass for like an hour and a half.

The end.

Oh, That Was Just the Sound of My Brain Exploding.

2009-05-14T01:51:00.005-06:00

Why is it that 90% of the guys on Lost have awesome scruff going on? It's like the show is just mocking me for the fact that I would love nothing more than a real man muzzle, instead of the weird reddish-brownish patchy abomination I was dealt.

If you recognize the fellow above, congrats to you - and I officially consider you my friend. If you don't, then I apparently still have work to do in my mission to get the entire world watching Lost and enjoying its sheer greatness... I post about Lost at 2 am thanks to yet another mind-blowing finale - I wish so badly that I was writing this show. Those guys are awesome.

The end.

You Know What I Don't Get?

2009-05-12T09:57:00.003-06:00

Why seeing and enjoying a movie about aliens that crash land on earth with the ability to transform from a normal looking vehicle into a walking, talking alien robotic lifeform is completely socially acceptable and not met with any ridicule -- but when you mention the fact that you saw, and really enjoyed the new Star Trek movie, you're laughed at for liking "nerdy sci-fi stuff."

Am I crazy to think that a good movie is just a good movie?

Mad Enough to Violently Hurl a Mento in the Parking Lot.

2009-05-12T02:43:00.002-06:00

I honestly have no idea why I can't blog lately. I mean, seriously, it's been since February when I last was able to sit down and share the rambling incoherence that are my blog posts.

I really wish I actually had something to tell you about right now, but that's probably just going to have to wait until tomorrow when my brain is functioning at somewhat of a higher level - for now, I thought that I should at least leave you with something.

I've watched this music video probably 5 to 7 times over the last 3 days - and while I'm sure most of you aren't big enough nerds to recognize the many internet celebrities starring in this video to spoof themselves, as long as at least one of you finds this mildly entertaining, then I'll be okay with it.

All-in-all, I figured that if I at least put something up, maybe that'll get the ball rolling a little.

Enjoy.

I Couldn't Do It.

2009-02-21T11:25:00.011-07:00

I had the title for this entry set as a grammatically incorrect nightmare of a sentence, but I couldn't bring myself to keep it - just the sight of its monstrosity made me want to vomit in rage.

These days, with the internet reaching into homes, schools, public libraries, and public restrooms around the world, we have become more exposed to the thoughts and writings of more borderline illiterate people than was previously thought possible. Now a part of me wants to say, "Hey, good for you! You're out there and you're trying to connect with the outside world! Here, have a cookie..." BUT, an even bigger part of me looks at the various status updates and wall writings of people I know on facebook, and wants to - (would it be poor writing to say "vomit in rage" again? Yeah, you're probably right... I'll say....) vomit in shame.

Now I am in no way, shape or form trying to claim that I practice perfect grammar and spelling... Far from it... Especially when I'm on the internet or when I'm blogging, I seem to like to just make up my own rules when it comes to punctuation and sentence structure. However, there are a few things that I simply cannot stand to see glaring at me from my computer screen.

Okay, I realize (and hope) that for most of us, this is simply a trip down simple Elementary School English lane - for the rest of you? Please for the love of all that is good and holy, pay attention.

"Your my favorite person in the whole world" - if looking at this sentence is like stabbing yourself in the eye with a dirty Q-Tip, GOOD. If not? The word "your" indicates possession - like:
"that is your tricycle - and since you have the writing skills of a 3 year old, it's probably your main mode of transportation"

The other form of the word "your" is "you're" - okay, I know that might be a lot to handle, two words that sound the same but look way different, but allow me to explain. "You're" is the combination of the words "you" and "are" - so when you're (gasp, there it is!) writing a comment on facebook to your (and the other one!) friend about how you think they're so pretty - slow it down... As you're typing "your so pretty!" stop and say "am I saying "you are so pretty?" If so, go ahead and change it to "you're so pretty!" - then return to being secretly jealous that they're prettier than you are and continue to spread rumors about how often she eats a donut for breakfast.

That one is definitely the most egregious facebook/text message error I see almost daily - but while we're at it -- they're means they are, such as "they're all a bunch of morons" their indicates possession, like "It's not their fault they suck at everything," there is location, place, state, condition, well -- lots of different situations, such as "here we write like normal people, but over there? I guess anything goes..." or "There is no way I'm going to make any friends by posting this entry."

While we're at it, an apostrophe indicates possession or conjunction, it NEVER pluralizes a word. You have one CD and two CDs, not two CD's. Now I guess CD's would be accurate if you were referring to something your CD owned. You could say, "oh that isn't my hemorrhoid cream that's the CD's hemorrhoid cream." Now, to make things even trickier, if the hemorrhoid cream belonged to two or more of your CDs, then it would be "No ma'am, that's my CDs' hemorrhoid cream."

Okay, I think I've calmed myself down enough to give you all a reprieve from my ridiculousness. I guess I just saw one "your so pretty!"s too many, and I snapped. I would promise that you'll never have to suffer through another grammar rant of mine ever again, but with the 3rd grade level writing that finds its way onto the internet these days, I make no promises.

I'll leave you all with a little test to help you put into practice what we just learned.

1) Hey you! (You're/Your) a complete and total tool! I know (you're/your) profile picture is a "totally hot" picture you took of yourself with your camera phone in your bathroom mirror - and sure, I guess a handful of 16 year old girls might think that this grainy picture of you with (you're/your) shirt off shows how completely and utterly awesome you are, but guess what? (You're/Your) just a huge dbag. Sorry man.

2) So (there/their/they're) is a pretty good chance that most people have gone (there/their/they're) merry way and stopped reading this by now. As for my parents? (There/Their/They're) still reading it, and 50 bucks says they tell me that I come across as too sarcastic and mean, and if I ever want to get married, I should take this post down because any girl who reads it isn't going to be interested in dating me.

3) I'm done with this now. It's been awhile since I've had a good old fashioned rant like this, and I thank you for making it all the way through.

Handwriting is Awesome.

2009-02-04T00:28:00.003-07:00

For many years now I've been fascinated with people's handwriting.. I love looking at the handwriting of someone I know and seeing the aspects of their personality come through in the way they write. I really do love it.

With that in mind, I've always thought it would be awesome to be able to create a font based off of your handwriting - and I'm sure that many of the graphic design ninjas I know are already thinking "Justin, this is OLD news" - but I found a website today that (for free) converts your handwriting into a font. All you really need to do is print off a paper, fill in the letters, scan it into your computer, and upload it to the website - they convert, you install, and boom - roasted.

So just hit up YourFonts.com and give it a try. Mine didn't turn out great (my handwriting usually looks a LITTLE nicer, but not by much to be honest.) - but just make sure to read the instructions on how to fill out the sheet, and you'll be rocking your awesome new fonts in no time.

Here's how my first try turned out... Let me know if any of you have any success with fonts of your own!

Satisfaction Guaranteed*.

2009-01-26T00:50:00.006-07:00

Attention baseball fans! Do you feel like every October your favorite team just doesn't quite have what it takes? Have you found yourself wondering if your team will even be making it to the post season within the next decade? Have you ever found yourself saying "I'd do ______ if my team could win the World Series!"?

Well, for all of you baseball fans who are at wits end with your team (including non-Cubs fans!) -- do I have an offer for you!! With our special proven formula, we can virtually guarantee a World Series Championship to the team of your choice within two years!!

Allow me to elaborate... In the summer of 2007, my father, my brother and myself took a trip along the east coast. As a part of said trip, we attended two major league baseball games.

A Phillies game in Philadelphia...

...And a Red Sox game in Boston...

Detected the pattern yet? In 2007 we attended home games in Philadelphia and Boston. Then, in October of 2007:
We had the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox. Followed this last October by:
The 2008 World Series Champion Philadelphia Phillies.

Would you like to see your favorite team reveling in baseball glory?! Simply send Justin, Patrick and Jake Davies to a regular season home game of the team of your choice, and with the extremely reasonable price of 3 plane tickets, 3 game tickets, and at least one night's hotel stay, you will be watching the team of your choice take home the World Series Championship as soon as this very October!

Just contact me at justinpatrickdavies@gmail.com and we'll haggle from there.

Thank you.

*Satisfaction actually not guaranteed. While 100% accurate thus far, this offer may or may not result in a World Series Championship for your favorite baseball team. Purchase at your own risk.

I'm Back - and I Think It May Have Been About a Month Too Soon

2009-01-22T18:50:00.004-07:00

Yes, I've been back from DC for well over a month now, I apologize for my poor blogging habits since returning, as well as how little I updated the DC Blog - I guess I was able to stay too busy to keep it updated, but not busy enough to supply an endless amount of amusing stories to share with you all.

I just wanted to break my blogging silence in the hopes that it would inspire me to come up with a few interesting things to write - so there really isn't a whole lot behind this post... It's good to be back, but I certainly miss many aspects of DC --

-Living in a big city.
-Living at the pulse of American Government.
-Having awesome little ethnic food restaurants EVERYWHERE. (I think I may miss that the most. I really miss the great Thai, Afghan, Chinese, Ethiopian, etc places that were all within walking distance)
-Surrounded by awesome fellow interns.
-The adventure that was the daily metro commute.
-Finding some random part of town/landmark/whatever to explore on my own on the weekend.
-and much much more.

Well, to refer back to the title of this particular post, the Senator I was interning for - Senator Bennett - also happened to be the co-chair of the inauguration committee, and because of that - us Bennett interns spent some time helping the inaugural committee sort tickets to the inauguration. As a reward for our diligent efforts, we were each given one ticket to said inauguration.

Sadly, as my time spent in DC basically sucked me of all financial resources, I was not able to fly back out there for the inauguration - and on Tuesday as I sat in the living room watching President Obama's address, I could've kicked myself for not trying harder to get back there.

Now I realize that probably more than a few of the people reading this are of the persuasion that wouldn't care what President Obama does in the next 4 to 8 years, they're going to bash and nay-say. I also realize that a lot of you have suddenly turned the bright-eyed optimism you had 4 and 8 years ago into sudden cool cynicism. Saying things like President Obama is "just another politician" - "you can't buy into anything a politican says, they're all scum" (unless their last name is Bush or Romney) - or my personal favorite "Obama's lame." Now as someone who has always considered himself to be an optimistic cynic (or a cynical optimist) I'm not one to get caught up in the hyperbole of some by saying that our new President is the political savior of the world - but I supported his candidacy, believe he has the potential to be a great president, and I couldn't help but feel awestruck and inspired as I watched him give his inaugural address. For the first time in my life I felt like I was actually listening to words that my children, or their children will be reading in history books. For that, along with many reasons, I wish I was there in person.

If you haven't had a chance to watch the address, give it a look/listen. If you have, watch it again and catch things you didn't notice before. Even one of my professors, who is quite possibly the most conservative Republican I've met in my entire life marveled at the speech as it was given, noting that he applauded more than once.

And to think, I could have been right there.

Blerg.

Ashley Brooke

2008-11-23T17:11:00.009-07:00

Okay, this is two days late, but it was a slightly crazy weekend, and I've been a little sick. Plus Ashley is still "too cool" for the blogging world, so she's going to have to deal with it I guess!

Anyways.. I just wanted to wish my little sister a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Here's the traditional blog-style birthday photo tribute. Ashley and I go waaaaaaaaay back, she's been my number one partner in crime for the last 25 years, and a handful of pictures will do little to showcase that, but here you are..

Yes, she's riding her bike ON TOP of me while I'm trying to sleep.

If any of you get a chance, have Ashley tell you about this hike. She proved herself yet again as the toughest girl I know within about the first 20 minutes of it.

Couldn't ask for a cooler sister to have as a best friend for the past 25 years!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SMASH!

2 Things.

2008-10-02T12:33:00.002-06:00

First and foremost, I'm just letting all of you know, this blog is not dead. Sure, it's going to be horribly neglected until I'm back in Utah (so hit up http://dcdavies.blogspot.com if you wish to read all about my DC adventures) but I'm hoping to be able to at least post a random thought or two to this trusty old blog of mine. For example, I've been "tagged" in someone's blog for the first time ever, so my "tagged response" post or whatever will be done here.. And so on, and so forth.

So secondly, I just wanted to remind everyone back home about the big VP debate tonight, and express my pure excitement for it. The whole reason I made this post (and put it on my personal blog and not my DC one) was because I've watched so many wonderfully hilarious videos featuring Mrs. Palin (or, of course, the wonderful Tina Fey) and I wanted to share my absolute favorite one with all of you.

Don't worry Palin fans, this isn't one of her blundering responses in her Katie Couric interviews, or any of the fantastic SNL bits.. In fact, this clip doesn't go after Governor Palin directly at all, more the complete blind hypocrosy of some political pundits out there.. It's a video clip that's over a month old now, but it's almost gotten even better with time.

I'll stop talking about it now, and just say this -- Jon Stewart is a pure master, and one of my television heroes. So in honor of tonight's debates (even though it really doesn't have much to do with the debates), and without further ado -- Here's the master at his finest.

Now you can all go look up the SNL sketches and the Katie Couric interviews, and get geared up for tonight!

On My Way.

2008-08-30T14:05:00.002-06:00

So, as I'm sure most, if not all of you know, I'm going to be out interning in Washington DC for the upcoming semester. I leave early Monday morning, so I'm in the process of trying to get everything ready to go. In my usual fashion, I haven't really packed anything quite yet, so it should be quite the adventure over the next few days.

So from time to time, my random thoughts and stories will find their way to this blog, but if you're interested in following my DC life, I'll be blogging that one here: http://dcdavies.blogspot.com

Hopefully adventurous and humorous stories will be abundant on both blogs.

See you all there.

Revelations.

2008-08-26T15:42:00.004-06:00

I'm gone in less than one week. That's right, less than 7 days from now, I'll be on the other side of the country, ready to start my DC adventure. With my days in Utah being as numbered as they are, I threw a little get together on Saturday in my parent's newly re-landscaped backyard. The guests were many, the dogs and brats were plentiful (I dislike how confusing it is that "brawts" is spelled brats - There were no "brats" at the party, just "brawts"), the times were good, and all was wonderful. I don't write this post with the intention of recapping some backyard BBQ.. No, I have a LOSTesque cliffhanger to resolve here.

When we last left our friend Vicky, she'd just ended a rather long drought of phone calls, and even emailed me a couple pictures of herself. My faint hopes of a Vicky blog post and a promise of a reward leading to at least a few leads were soon dashed... I was no closer to discovering the true identity of Vicky as I was before.

I wasn't surprised when the weekend after I shared the story of Vicky with you all, my buzzing phone flashed "Restricted #" at me. I answered and was treated to yet another conversation with everyone's favorite Miami Clubber. She was calling to share with me her outrage that I didn't share the fact that I'd recently had a birthday, and also to complain about the fact that she'd just discovered she had an STD (if I remember right, she said something about worrying that she'd contracted said disease at a swimming pool.) The conversation ended in the usual Vicky way - with her demanding that I say "3 words" to her, and that she was coming into town the weekend of my BBQ. I wasn't surprised when she accepted my invitation to attend. I was surprised, however, that she actually showed up and revealed herself to us all that night.

The crowd stands gripped with anticipation (With the exception of the girl on the left who fell asleep... But that's not because she was bored, she was just really really hammered.)

So as my BBQ started to wind down to a close, and people started filtering out, my sister Karli and her entourage wandered over from the next door neighbor's house where they were partying their night away. At one point, the majority of them were hanging around my mom, who was talking to my friends Ali and Rhiannon. My mom made the discovery that Ali and Karli's friend Anna were neighbors, and was declaring her surprise at not previously knowing that fact. I interjected by sharing my opinion that whenever I hear Anna relate a story or tell a joke, it always reminds me of how Ali would be telling a joke/story. Anna replied by saying "Oh, what about Vicky?" It was a quick question, but the Vicky style accent she used sounded pretty good. I chuckled, thinking that she'd simply read my blog, and was simply making a joke. Then I realized that my sister and all of her friends were staring directly at her.

"Wait, are you Vicky?"
-Laughter-
"You are! You're Vicky!"
-more laughter-
"Oh well done miss Campbell, well done..."
-applause from Justin-

the Karli Krew watches on as Justin and Vicky finally meet face to face.

I then went on to find out that Karli was obviously involved in the whole thing, and was present for every Vicky phone call ever made. That my sister Ashley had discovered who it was last year, which led to my mom's discovery of Vicky's identity as well. Jake also found out, but not until pretty recently. So throughout this entire ordeal, my entire family (with the exception of my Dad, who apparently wasn't trusted by the rest of the fam) fed me lies and watched me struggle futilely to find Vicky's identity. Jerks.

In all honesty, the only person I'm truly upset with is myself for never suspecting Anna as the real culprit. It made absolute sense once it was revealed... I used to think all of those idiots who couldn't tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman must have been the dumbest people alive, I mean, it's just a pair of glasses and a slight change in hairstyle people! But now, I kind of understand where they're coming from.

To Anna I say, job well done. Major congrats are in order for being able to stick to the bit for over a year, and to creating one of the more hilarious characters I've ever met...

And to Vicky I say, "later toots."

Hazardless.

2008-08-22T19:47:00.002-06:00

So if you can't figure out what's going on here -- apparently some dude posted a video on YouTube of a glitch he found in Tiger Woods '08. EA Sports did something awesome - Turned it around into a fantastic advertisement for Tiger Woods '09.

Patrick C. (it's a bit belated)

2008-08-22T11:10:00.011-06:00

I was incredibly busy with Freshman Orientations and meetings yesterday, so I wasn't able to wish Patrick C a happy birthday until today. Allow me to do so by sharing a few bits about the man with the internet:

Patrick C is often teased amongst our family for many things, but one in particular is his lack of ability to smile in a picture (since the rest of us have been trained in the Atwood art of cheese grinning for our entire lives, we find each attempt at a photo with dad to be its own adventure)

As we can see here, his camera techniques haven't changed much since childhood, we have:

-Just look kind of surprised or bewildered.

-squint a little bit and let your mouth take care of itself

-make your very best attempt and simply fall short.

If I were at my parent's house, this would be the part where i would have literally hundreds of pictures from today that attest to these methods, including my personal favorite - "the imitation." That's where he pretends he's the rest of us, and grins as big as he possibly can. Classic.

But in all seriousness, there's more to my Dad than making fun of what he does with his face in pictures. He's a fantastic father and his favorite thing in this world is his family, which is evidenced by his favorite activities:

"Campouts" - This consists of any time he falls asleep while the rest of us are in the same room.

He likes to include his family in his feats of strength:

His skill in the martial arts:
His hobby of wading ankle deep in lakes while wearing an awesome swimming suit:

His ability to run up mountains:
(okay, so I've never actually been able to run up a mountain with him, I just walk up them like a normal human being - not like the half man - half machine that is Patrick C Davies.)

In all seriousness - Patrick C is the man, and yes, I find his jokes to be funny (congrats Dad, at least one of us does), and I'm glad he didn't decide to do yet another "Birthday Feats of Strength/Endurance" (like last year when he rode his bike home from St. George), that make me feel like a slug.

Happy Birthday!

Jersey Girl.

2008-08-08T23:51:00.011-06:00

So almost exactly one year ago, the following happened to yours truly:

-Phone vibrates-
Justin Looks at the phone and doesn't recognize the number - while he normally would just let it go to voice mail, this particular summer his roommates were both gone for 3 months and he was pretty starved for people to talk to, so he answered it blindly.

"Hello?"
"Juustin?!"
"Um, yes..."
"Justin! This is Vicky!" the voice was unmistakably some fake New Jersey accent -- a rather good one, but a fake one nonetheless.
"Who?"
"Vicky! From the club in Miami!"

That statement was absolutely absurd for a whole host of reasons - for example: I've never been to Florida let alone Miami, if I were to ever end up in Miami - you certainly wouldn't be seeing me in any clubs, and if I were to somehow be dragged to a Miami club at knifepoint or something - I most definitely wouldn't be giving my phone number to some random hussy named Vicky.

"Uhhh... Who is this?"
"This is Vicky! From the Club in Miami!"
"Yeah, I got that part... No really who is this?"
"Justin! Don't tell me you don't remember me! My kids, they'd be devistated to hear that you don't remember them or me! You came to Miami, we met in the club, and we had the most wonderful time. Don't you remember?"

It didn't take long to realize that this girl was committed to her bit, and seeing how I was still pretty bored, and she was quite funny, I figured it was in my best interest to play along.

"Ohhhh... Vicky! Why didn't you just say so? How have you been? I've been wondering what happened to you!"
"Oh Justin, I've just been so sick thinking about you all the time. The kids ask me every day, they say 'Vicky! Where's that nice man? Where's Justin, you need to make him your husband.' and I just can't disagree with them, it's time I found a nice man like you!"
"Well Vicky, this is going to be tricky, I mean, I live in Utah and you're in Miami"
"Well, I'm going back up to New Jersey, come up there, we can be together. Don't break my heart again"
"Tell you what, you come out here, we'll get together, and we'll figure something out."

on and on it went for awhile, running around in circles of me playing along enough to hope to get the girl to cave and tell me who it is, with no luck. Finally the conversation runs around in circles enough to end - I'm not sure exactly what note it ended on, probably something about me breaking her heart or something.

Now this was not the last I would hear from "Vicky" -- On the contrary, she would call sporadically throughout the rest of the year. Every conversation went about the same: She would ramble on about clubs in Miami, about how sick she was that we weren't together, about how everyone says "Vicky, you need a man," about how I am that man, her love for me, her hatred for her children, and on an on... And with each conversation, her voice would sound increasingly more familiar.

The last contact I had with Vicky was a voice mail and a brief conversation in March, when I was finally smart enough to keep her number. I tried calling back a couple times, but with no luck (never got an answer, and the voice mail is just the stupid robot lady repeating the number you just dialed).

Then, just the other night, the drought ended. This time the phone number had been blocked, I didn't answer, but after listening to another Vicky voice mail - I picked up the inevitable second call.

The conversation was much like the last ones have gone - I gave up asking who it was a long time ago, and just enjoy playing along. This time I even decided to make the game even more creative and I asked for her to send me some pictures of herself.

Whoever this girl is, I've got to give her credit... Not only has she kept with the same bit for a year now, but she somehow pulled out these two gems and sent them to me over the past couple of days:
This was the first one she sent, I got it along with this message:

"Justin. My friends are hassling me to send you a picture of myself.... so I am. I have attached a photo of me and my best friend dan.. (he's gay). I really really really really think you are great and I have got three words for you.. I LOVE YOU. Thats it.. thats all she wrote. See you in DC.

Love me."

(oh and I just realized that she highlighted the letters J-U-S-T-I-N in red... That's hilarious. Well done.)
This one she sent to me three days later. Both pictures made me laugh - so, well done miss "Vicky."

After our last conversation, I decided it was time for me to not only only share with you all this fun little game that's been played for the last year, but that it was also time for me to find out who is behind it all. Not because the phone calls annoy me, (quite the opposite in fact) but because the voice sounds so familiar that it's driving me quite mad not being able to figure out who it is.

So as of right now I'm issuing the promise of some sort of reward (to be determined later) to whoever can provide me with either the identity of "Vicky" - or at least some solid information that could lead to identifying her.At least one of her voice mails and the phone number she called from one time are still saved on my phone, so if you're ever interested in listening to the voice mails, please let me know (I'm considering an attempt tomorrow at somehow recording the audio onto my computer and adding to this post for all to hear, we'll see.)

I wish you all the best of luck, and depending on the quality of information you all provide - the reward could range from super lame to incredibly awesome.

Happy hunting.

--UPDATE--

I was able to get the voice mails on here, so here you are:

This one was from February of this year.

This one was from earlier this week - she must've been using a cell phone from 1994 or jogging through a tunnel or something, because she kept breaking up on this one.

Hopefully that will help you all in your quest for the truth.

An Addendum.

2008-08-03T12:40:00.000-06:00

As I was finishing up my previous entry about why I go running, I had this unshakable feeling that I was missing one of the reasons that had drifted through my head through of the course of that particular run. I don't know if it was because it was late, and quite a bit of time had passed since the run, but try as I might, I couldn't bring the reason out and onto the blog.

Then, as usually happens with things that I'm trying to remember at a specific time for a specific reason, it just popped in the old noggin at the most random of times. I chuckled when I remembered this "phantom reason" for running, and was going to brush it aside until I realized that with as much as I struggle to come up with things to blog about, I'd be remiss if I didn't use this one.

So, without further ado... Here is an additional "reason I run" to add to http://justinpdavies.blogspot.com/2008/07/yeah-its-another-post-about-running.html

"Well that's pretty mundane Justin, why waste the time to go back and do an entire new entry to add the fact that one of the reasons you go running is guilt? Lots of people run for that reason. You went from Zombie Apocalypse to Guilt... This is boring."

Oh don't you fret dear reader, by "guilt" I don't really mean feeling guilty if I don't go running (which I do, but that's beside the point), what I'm referring to is the fact I feel guilty for....

Cheating at that game. For those of you who are either too young or too old to know what this could be, allow me to explain. You know the new Wii Fit deal that's a big hit these days? Some little pad thingy that you stand on, play games with, and hopefully get a little in shape in the process..

Well, back in the late 80s, Nintendo had a similar idea. Video games were still pretty new, and didn't quite have the broad social acceptance they do today, so Nintendo was searching for something to satiate the parents who were concerned their children were becoming obese shut-ins by playing Nintendo nonstop. Thus was born: The Power Pad.

In all its glory.

There are just too many wonderful aspects of this box to list, so I'm not going to try - just breathe in the sheer greatness of it on your own.

This immediately became one of those things which possession of instantly upped your "cool factor" by a good 30% or so if you had one in your house. Needless to say, we didn't have one, but I had a couple friends in the neighborhood who did.

So basically the way the thing worked is that you'd put in a power pad compatible game, step on the pad, and simulate the action you wanted your 8 bit counterpart to reproduce on screen.

There were a few games available for the power pad, but the one that seemed to get played the most was World Class Track Meet (as mentioned above). The point of this game was rather simple. Pick an event (such as hurdles, 100 yd dash, long jump, etc), stand on the power pad, and start running and jumping in place.

The 100 yd dash proved to be the most popular of the events, as the hurdles and long jump got frustrating rather quickly. It would pit you against a set of progressively more difficult runners, each named after an animal faster than the last.

...ah Turtle, an easy W (and is it just me, or does he have a mohawk? Fantastic)

Shameful defeat... Yet again.

Alright, let's get to the whole point of this entry. I cheated at this game. I'm pretty confident every kid who ever played this game ended up cheating at it. As your opponents went from Turtle to Cheetah, it became evident very soon that in order to ever come close to beating the last few opponents of the game, your legs would have to be pumping at a rate that defied the laws of physics. Which is why every kid who ever played with the power pad ended up kneeling next to the pad, and pounding the appropriate circles with his fists as fast as possible.

I won Prize? Yes, I win Prize! Poor translations, yet another reason why the old NES games are still legendary.

Even when incorporating this strategy, you'd end up getting smoked by Cheetah, because back in the day 80% of video games were practically impossible to actually beat - yet we soldiered on...

(I should've clarified this earlier in the post, but for those of you who are utterly confused right now, go back and read the post about why I run, these aren't real reasons per se, they just happened to drift into my brain the other day)

So yes, there you have it. Yet another reason why I go running. I must subconsiously feel the need to make up for all the "ill-gotten" miles I racked up with my fists instead of my feet.

The end.

also, remember the Power Glove?
This guy is the very definition of what pure awesomeness was in the late 80s/early 90s. Shoot, I probably only saw an actual Power Glove like 3 times in real life - I don't care if the thing sucked, it was still absolute awesomeness.

A Quick Idea.

2008-07-31T22:17:00.002-06:00

So my mom called me tonight with an idea/suggestion: do a contest (a la Tanner Winnie) - if any of you have actually played the little "make an album" game below, you could throw the band and album names on your image (like the one I did below), email them to me at justin@daviesnation.com and if I get enough, we'll put them to poll. If no one really sends me any, no skin off mine... But hey! Lisa Davies suggested it, so maybe you should go for it!

...and we rock too.

2008-07-30T12:01:00.006-06:00

I'm a music junkie. Many of you already know this, but I'm always on the lookout for something new, and something good to listen to. So I have this kneejerk reaction, that when I see an image like the one above, I instantly hop onto the iTunes store and preview the album to see whether it's any good or not.

However, an iTunes store search of "Rivers of Delaware" produced only one result: a video podcast tour of Bucks County Pennsylvania real estate. Not what I was looking for (but if you're in the market for real estate in Bucks County PA, now you know where to look). So why the complete and total lack of results for this band? Oh that's right... Rivers of Delaware is my band. Stupid Justin...

Confused? Good... I have an unspoken (until now I guess) goal of confusing at least half of the people who read my blog at least once per post (as evidenced by the prior sentence itself).

Sorry, sorry. Back on track now, back on track.

Allow me to explain:

I was stumbling through the internet the other day, when I found this handy-dandy guide to forming your debut album. That's right, create your own band, album title, and album cover right here and now! (yes, I do realize this is quite lame, but as evidenced by the fact you're actually reading my blog - you don't care how lame the stuff you read/do on the internet is) - So for all of you who want to try this out for yourselves, here's what you do:

1) Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random - the article it gives you is the name of your band.
(Technically the article I got was "List of the Rivers of Delaware," but I figured it sounded a little more like the name of a band without the "List of the" part)

2) Go here http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 to get a list of random quotations. The last 4 words of the very last quote on the page is the name of your album.
(if you want more quotes, clicking on this link again will just give you the same page of quotes, you have to hit the refresh button when you're on the page of quotes to get a new list)

3) and finally, go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ and the 3rd picture is your album cover.

Put them all together, and there you have it. Now all you have to do is learn to play an instrument or sing, slowly become more and more pretentious, find a few other people to join you, make sure at least one or more of you develops some sort of a substance abuse problem that they then overcome so the following tour will be more heartfelt and triumphant - and just like that, you've got yourself a band.

Please feel free to share with the class what you've come up with.

Enjoy.

Eureka

2008-07-29T01:50:00.003-06:00

I'm often frustrated by my hair. My dad does a good job of reminding me that I should be happy with what I have, but I still find myself wishing it was doing something other than what it seems to like to do - which is turn into an unruly rat's nest without warning and for no particular reason... Especially lately, seeing how I've been in pretty bad need of a haircut for a good week or two.

So I've been wondering if there would be some kind of new thing I could do with my hair to be a little cooler, and maybe even land myself a date or two... Now while the latter result may no really sound that likely, take a look at this and think again.

So what do you think? Tell me honestly... This is totally the new hairstyle for me, isn't it? The theory that a new hairstyle for me would lead to more positive female attention is starting to sound like a pretty sound theory now, isn't it?

So awesome. I truly have no words.

Yeah, It's Another Post About Running.

2008-07-23T20:33:00.013-06:00

So as I was running today (not at 12:40 in the morning, just fyi), my mind hit that "wandering zone" -- you know, not focusing on what your body is telling you, how long you've been running for, how far you've gone, how far you have left, or anything of that sort. It's exactly the place you want to be when you out on a run.

Now, while my mind was drifting aimlessly, it caught ahold of a thought process and just went kinda nuts with it... That thought process was:

On the surface it seemed like the question was simple enough. I mean, I've been asked it before, but the more my wandering mind thought about it, the more abstract and random the reasons it came up with became. Allow me to give those reasons to you.

This was the most obvious answer, and the first thing that came to mind when I started to wonder why I was running through the streets of Provo on this fine July evening. That's why people run, right? To get in, and stay in good shape. I sure know that one of the reasons I get out and hit the pavement is to keep myself from becoming a chunk.
The more I thought about this particular reason, the less sense it made... I do want to be in good shape, yes, but there are other options out there besides running. I could ride a bike, swim, lift weights, play soccer every night, or even follow my fathers footsteps and sign up for a cheerleader training class, the list of options is nearly endless. Out of all the types of physical activities one can participate in to keep themselves in good shape, I've always turned to running. So my mind pressed on for answers.

Ah, now this makes some sense as to why I'd pick running as a form of exercise. When your dad considers sprinting to the top of an 11,000+ foot peak a "decent way to break a sweat," or when he decides that running to Fillmore for his 51st birthday sounds like an amazing idea, that might somehow bear some influence on his firstborn.
This was making perfect sense to me until I realized that Patrick C has gone through a host of physical activities that I never really followed him on. We've already brought up the cheerleading thing, but I guess I wasn't alive for that phase, and it's luckily not something that's genetically innate. However, he's a black belt in karate, and his many attempts in my childhood to get me to follow him down that path were apparently met with complete disinterest. It's a crying shame too, it would be nice to know that I could beat up at least one person on the face of this planet. Karate aside, there's been the horse racing, the mountain biking, the road biking, the underground boxing circut championships, the water polo, the 100 mile mountain races, the swimming of the English Channel, the solo flight across the Atlantic, and of course his part time career as a stunt man (including several scenes as Batman in The Dark Knight).

So yeah... Not only was I reminded yet again that my dad is a thousand times manlier than I'll ever be, but I wasn't quite so sure that the reason I run is because he runs.

Yes, a good long run can be tiring, hot, painful, and leave you quite sore, but when it comes down to it, I do enjoy a good long run. I generally feel pretty great afterward, and if was a good long run, there's a genuine sense of accomplishment there. My aimless brain started to accept this as the answer, until it jokingly said "yeah, not only that, but you do get the occasional cat-call from a passing car, so there ya go, another added sense of self satisfaction." I then started to think about that a little more...

I get about 1 cat-call every 3.8 months or so. 12 months in a year, 3.8 goes into twelve roughly.... So that would mean I get a solid 3 cat-calls per year if I'm running a good 5 to 6 times a week and I'm running outdoors in the wintertime. Now that three greatly outweighs my usual average of zero, but is it enough to make---ummm...

Yes, I realize that right now I make about as much sense as this picture.

Speaking of girls, my earlier explanation of a good long run being painful, difficult, yet ultimately rewarding and leaving you with a sense of accomplishment or satisfaction could also double as a description of a date that actually ends up going well - yet the number of dates I go on that end up going well, is... Well... Let's just say my wandering brain found a way to make this particular reason invalid. On to number 4. It's a doozy.

Yes, that does say "Zombie Apocalypse." I think it must have been the combination of the fact that I was towards the end of my run, it was really quite hot outside, and I was starting to feel a little dehydrated, because not only did my brain wander to this as an acceptable explanation for why I go running, but it was the one that made the most sense to me.

Allow me to explain. As I said earlier, it's not simply the exercise, I could be biking or something else, but running is pure. It's something that no matter the circumstance, if the time came where I needed to run, I could run. Suddenly, the 28 Days/Weeks Later movies found their way into the rambling thoughts running through my head. I don't know how many of you have seen either of those movies, but there are several scenes where our protagonist(s) find themselves being chased by "the infected" - and let's just put it this way: if you can't run, you're toast.
So somewhere deep within my subconscious lies the realization that I'm going to be ready for any impending zombie apocalypses come hell or high water. Your only hope in these situations? Running and finding suitable refuge. Without a bike handy, biking is no help... Patrick C's karate? Not gonna take down 40 raging zombies... Swimming? Well, I guess swimming might be helpful, but let's be honest - the chances of me running into a zombie apocalypse scenario near a large body of water is going to be pretty slim.

So in the event of my city being overrun by 28 Days Later style zombies, this guy is gonna be ready to run like the wind.

----

Oh and just to finish up this whole "wandering mind" storyline... I got done with the run, started thinking normally again, and came to realize the real reason I go running.

(and yes, the poorly photoshopped face running away from the flaming zombie is mine)

Karli Lane

2008-07-20T01:54:00.003-06:00

This is a couple hours late, and I'm falling asleep so the quality is going to be sub-par, but I wanted to give my little sister Karli a Birthday shoutout... She's now officially 18. Eight-effing-teen!

With every passing year, Karli has only gotten funnier and funnier; going from being the occasional snide comment maker, to the regular snide comment maker. Karli and I sit on the same side of the dinner table for Sunday dinners at the Davies household, so for years we've been entertaining each other by playing "who can make fun of Dad in the best way possible" or "how long will it take before Jake and Ashley start arguing about something?" during dinner.

Welcome to adulthood Karli Lane. I would love to throw more tributes and hilarious things that Karli has said or done, but I'm literally half asleep. Here are some pictures:

Up by the fire pit after Karli's killer birthday party... Thumbs up indeed.

The usual - Karli saying something at dinner that only I heard, and me losing my mind laughing about it.

Fun with Straws.

Yes, that is the Birthday card I got Karli. I'm pretty sure it's larger than an actual baby penguin... Awesome.
Oh yeah, and those are some document thingy clips as well. That's right.

I know it looks like we're giving thumbs up, but that's just some crazy angles of our index fingers, because we're actually pointing like cool cats. Which is what we are. Cool cats.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARS!

Master Who?

2008-07-17T14:06:00.003-06:00

I have no idea if anyone out there will find this as funny as I did, but I stumbled upon this video yesterday and was randomly chuckling about it for the rest of the day.

My personal favorite things about this:

-The fact he not only made exact replicas of the Halo weapons, but that he moves around exactly like you do in the game.

-Any time he makes a sound effect.

-His re-enactment of a certain common Xbox Live action a friend of mine refers to as "Corpse Humping."

-The fact he wants video comments to determine the color of his suit. Knowing the maturity level of your average YouTube video commenter, I can imagine how that poll is going to end up.

- And as absolutely nerdy and detached with reality as this kid is, you gotta admit, he's pretty handy with cardboard and tape.

Run Along.

2008-07-16T01:02:00.016-06:00

So last year at this time I was in the best shape I'd ever been in before, which really isn't saying much, but I'd started training for the St. George marathon and I was doing sprinklers all day every day. So my basic day boiled down to getting up early, going out and digging in the 100 degree heat until 4 or 5, then coming home and going for a run. It was a routine that had me feeling pretty good. Unfortunately this summer has been quite different... I haven't been able to string together a consistent running pattern because (as the previous post attests) my schedule has been a little more unpredictable. Now that I have the job at the school, it's settled down to the point where I get home around the time it's not so hot I start hallucinating after mile 4, so I'm finally starting to get into a decent running schedule.

The schedule works out quite nicely, until the nights I work at the theater come along... Right now Speed Racer is showing, and that effing movie is 2 and a half hours long, so I don't get outta the place until around midnight. So I'm pretty much doomed to not going running on Tuesdays, which breaks up a good rhythm and makes me unhappy.

So tonight when I felt like I really could use a run despite the fact it was 12:30 am, I ignored the warnings I received of possible muggings, rapes, attacks, and the threat of hobos tripping me - and hit the pavement.

Now let me tell you, if you thought Provo Utah would be a ghost town at 12:30 am on a Tuesday, you'd be wrong! Dead wrong...

No... No, wait. You'd be right. Absolutely right.

So I decided that I'd run with not just my ipod on one hip, but my camera on the other, just in case I saw anything truly bizarre. Unfortunately, bizarre is an adjective rarely used to describe Provo (unless you're talking about the behavior of BYU students, but that's a whole other story), but I will say that you certainly see your surroundings much differently than when you're running at 6 pm.

like clocks not saying 6:00 and the sun being down, for example.

I really wish I had some extremely interesting story about this late night run, but really it was just me running through downtown Provo, marveling at the fact that the only place I saw open for the first mile and a half of my run was a bar (which I tried to photograph, but I think the guy with the big backpack, greasy mullett, long beard, and faded flannel shirt standing right out front might have objected to some guy running past and snapping a picture of him.)

kinda like this guy, only less ridiculous and more frightening.

Tell ya one thing though, you notice things you probably wouldn't have in the daylight or with people out and about to distract you. Things like... This thing:
I couldn't tell you how many times I've run past the building this thing was housed in, and I've never noticed that thing before. I literally glanced at it as I ran past, stopped dead in my tracks, thought about what I just saw, walked backwards, gawked for a second, and then snapped a picture. Why on earth you'd ever need a giant glowing sperm sculpture is beyond me, but hey, I'm not going to pretend like I know art.

As I ran further onward, I tried to debate with myself which was creepier: that homeless dude, the person staring at me from the window of the Manson-looking house, the skinny kid in the girls pants wandering aimlessly down Center Street, the obese dude in the tank top playing pool at Ozz, oorrrr... looking at the price of gas every time I passed a station (I drive a diesel, shudder), or abandoned building after abandoned building space on Center Street or University Ave. (but I'm sure Phil Gramm is right, I'd better stop mentally projecting a recession and whining... Way to pick 'em Mac!)

But I digress. All-in-all it was a very good run. A rather short run, but a good one nonetheless. And see --
I made it home in one piece and was able to show that I still have a little Cap'n in me.

Speaking of which, I'd really like some Cap'n Crunch right about now.

Productive?

2008-07-14T11:34:00.005-06:00

I finally got a real job last week. That's right... For the first time this summer, I don't feel like such a waste. This was a job I'd been working on getting since school got out, but due to several PR and bureaucratic hoops, it was hung up for a couple months. Thanks to all that, I was just working a job a couple nights a week, and my newfound state of poverty drove me to call and ask for a job doing sprinklers (which I did last summer, and the only reason I lasted 4 months doing it last year was because I was working for and with friends). Lucky for me, the day after I called our neighbor about the sprinkler job, the school called me letting me know I was to start work later that week.

Here we are, a few weeks later, and I now (kind of) have four, count em, four jobs... Allow me to explain:

Job #1) Towne Cinemas (aka, the Sticky Shoe)

I stole this picture off of someone else's blog. It was taken long before I started working there.

This is the longest running job of the 4. I was hard up for extra cash earlier this spring, and my Student Government advisor happens to own the dollar theater in American fork, so one or two nights a week I manage at said dollar theater. I'm not gonna lie, as ridiculous as the job sounds it's actually a pretty good one... It's a pretty chill job, take tickets, wind and start the films, repeat, close the place down, boss around the concession kids, etc etc. Sure you have to deal with the occasional person who feels that their $1.50 admission should equate to the kind of movie going experience they'd have if they were paying $8.00 a ticket, but overall it's been a pretty decent job. So if any of you feel like seeing a movie and you're anywhere near Main Street in American Fork, let me know!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job #2) UV Freshman Orientation Leader

This is actually "officially" the most recent of my current jobs... I filled in for a orientation leader last month who had to take a final, but it wasn't until just this weekend that they felt the number of students attending the orientations was going to be high enough that they needed to bring in extra help. Even desperate enough for yours truly. Okay, to be honest, I rock this job. Basically I'm in charge of a group of incoming freshman during each freshman orientations (there are a total of 4 left this summer), which means that I give them a tour of the campus, and basically let them know how life is going to be for them in college. Seeing how I've been a college student for, well, forever, I find myself more than qualified. Those lucky kids.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job #3) ChaCha guide.

That's right. I'm a ChaCha guide. "What's a ChaCha guide" you ask? For those of you who have never heard of the awesome service that is ChaCha, whip out your phone and send a text message to 242242 asking it anything (don't worry, it doesn't cost you anything. It's like a normal text message, so if you pay per text it'll cost you the text itself, if you have unlimited texts, then of course, it's free), ask it who won the Cy Young award in 1973, ask it what it can tell you about Justin Davies from Utah, ask it where the best place to get a burger in Orem Utah is, ask it how far it thinks the Jazz will go in the playoffs next year, ask it, well, you catch my drift... Basically the way it works, is unlike Google text, there are no codes or search engine tricks you need to know, just text the question and it's sent to a guide who then looks it up and sends it back to you. After talking to a couple people who knew people who were guides, and reading about it online, I figured "hey, why not?" and applied to be one myself. The pay isn't anything spectacular, 20 cents per response, but I figured "why not get paid to surf the internet at 3 am? I do it anyway..."

Every now and then I get a question that is frustratingly hard to find an answer to, but for the most part it's actually kind of enjoyable. I've answered several interesting questions in the few days I've been doing this so far, and will probably be compiling a "best of" for a future post.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Job #4) (I don't think I was ever given an official job title, so for now we'll call it...) UVU Marketing Department Job!

This is the one that I'd been eagerly awaiting this summer, and so far it's been worth the wait. For those of you who don't know, I recently finished up a term as the Executive Vice President in UVSC's Student Government. As I've been really involved at the school for 3 years, it's been a pretty hard adjustment to be completely uninvolved within a matter of a day, so it's been great to be back on campus again. I started the day after UVSC officially became UVU, and after all the capitol visits for University Status, giving a speech in front of thousands of people during the Governor's bill signing, and all the other things I've been involved with, it was fun to finally see the school officially become a University.

Now, as for my job? I'm working up in the Marketing Department with licensing and all that good stuff. Here's the job in a nutshell: UVSC has never had a demand for any of their merchandise or apparel to be sold outside of the bookstore, but with new (and vastly improved) logos, and a surge in school interest and pride, we're starting to see a demand for those things in ways we've never seen before. So it will be my job to try and get UVU stuff sold in stores around the community, as well as simply helping other stores/restaurants/anything plugged into UV pride. Whether that be giving them a UV flag to hang up in their store, posters to hang up on their walls, or anything at all, I'm their guy. It's been pretty fun so far, and hopefully we'll be seeing lots of cool UV stuff for sale in stores around Orem and Provo very soon!

So there you have it, hopefully I'll be able to make a little money before I'm off to DC!

Adventures in Popsicle Buying

2008-07-08T01:20:00.005-06:00

(Allow me to preface this post by letting you all know that I wrote it on my laptop while crammed in the incredibly hot and stuffy ticket window at the dollar theater in American Fork -- yes, laugh it up, I work a couple nights a week managing at the dollar theater in American Fork, big deal... So like I said, the conditions under which I'm writing this are less than ideal, so I'm gonna go ahead and blame the sub-par writing of this post on that. Thank you.)

Last Thursday I went to see a movie with the family (Kung-Fu Panda, if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend), and since the plan was to get up early the next morning to go on a 4th of July hike, I just slept up at my parents' house. So Thursday night at around midnight, my little brother Jake had just returned home from partying it up at his friend's house and was complaining about how he hadn't eaten anything all day, so naturally the duty to run him by the nearest fast food place fell upon yours truly. With Karli tagging along, Jake got himself a burger, and I decided that it would be in the best interest of everyone involved if we stopped by Smiths and bought a few bags of their fantastic popsicles.

When I parked the car, I asked Jake and Karli if they wanted to come into the store with me; Karli did, Jake (who was shoeless) did not. So I told Jake we'd just run in, grab the popsicles and be back out in 5 to 10 min tops. His immediate response was to begin convincing Karli that she shouldn't go in the store. I just had to call him out.

"Why would it matter if Karli went inside?"
"Karli, just stay."
"She wants to come in though, why would it matter? Are you afraid of being in the car alone?"
"No, just stay..."
"You ARE, you're totally afraid to stay out here by yourself!"
"No I'm not, I just think she should stay out here"
"Well, she's not, so you can either come in with us or stay out here"
"I can't, I don't have shoes"
"That's not my problem..."
"Do you have any shoes or sandals in your car?"

Shaking my head at the ridiculous notion of Jake still being too afraid to sit in a car by himself for 5 minutes in a well lit parking lot a mere 30-40 yards away from the store, in Sandy Utah no less; I got out of my car and inspected the trunk while Karli tried to explain to Jake how absurd he was being. Now, my trunk has needed a good de-junking for a solid year and a half now, so after a bit of rummaging I wasn't terribly surprised by what I unearthed.

That's right, an old pair of dress shoes. Shoes I wore during my time as an LDS missionary. Solid black dress shoes full of holes, with heels that have been worn down to practically nothing. I walked back to the front of the car and tossed the shoes on his lap.
"If ya wanna come in with us, these are all I got"
"Are you serious? I can't wear these!"
"Well, either wear them and come in, or don't wear them and stay out here... This has taken far too long as it is, Karli and I are going in there with or without you."

Karli got out of the car as Jake started frantically putting the shoes on. Words cannot give justice to how truly ridiculous he looked. You've got a tall, skinny 15 year old kid, with shorts and ankle socks on, traipsing about Smiths wearing black dress shoes.

Karli snapped a couple pictures with her cell phone much to Jake's dismay, and they really don't do how ridiculously hilarious the kid looked.

Let it be known, Jake would rather look like that for all the world to see than sit alone in a car for 5 minutes.

The end.

Hurley

2008-07-06T10:20:00.003-06:00

I've always tried to steer clear of non-humorous topics here on my blog, getting serious in a venue for the whole world to see is not necessarily my style... So I debated on whether or not to simply skip over this recent event without much mention or to break my rule of thumb and write a post about it. As lame as it may sound, something about the thought of skipping over it just didn't sit right with me.

As many of you know, a few years ago we lost Cody, our dog of about six years, to an attack by another dog or coyote. This was the first time our family had ever had to deal with the loss of a pet (that wasn't one of my gerbils or lizards or something ridiculous like that), and I was relatively taken aback by how hard it was for us to deal with. I never would've imagined you'd miss an animal like that, but it left a hole in our house for many months. A few months later, despite earlier claims that we would "never get another dog" - our family decided that the lack of fresh pee stains in the carpet, the fact that when the doorbell rang it was met with absolute silence, and the other things that could be looked at as a reprieve once the dog was gone were now things we wanted back in our lives. The sadness had left us all enough to buy another puppy, and so came little Hurley into our lives.

The early notions of many of us that, while he was certainly cuter than Cody, there was no way he could ever match up, were very soon dashed to pieces. It was evident early, and maintained itself as he grew older, that Hurley had personality coming out of his floppy ears. He'd be desperate for attention and someone to play with, and he knew that all he had to do was cock his head to the side, prick up one ear leave the other flopped, and he would have you sold. He was cute and he knew it, so often times we'd breathe sighs of frustration as he would plead to go outside so he could run around barking at the world for a couple minutes, only to want to come back inside for a few minutes and then repeat the cycle again. Watching TV at night was always a chore, as he'd see the reflection of either himself or the TV in the window and lose his mind. There were absolutely many things about the guy that drove us nuts, but in the end, none of those really mattered to us all that much.

Dogs are incredible creatures. I know several people who are either cat people, non-dog people, or simply don't like animals; and I don't praise dogs in an effort to make any of those people think they're wrong in not wanting to own a dog - it's certainly not for everyone. However, when I look at what these two dogs added to our family while they were here, it amazes me what a small animal like that can really do. I spent yesterday reading about dogs on wikipedia, I guess that my grief takes on strange forms (not surprisingly), but I enjoyed reading what an integral part man and dog have had with each other for centuries. Reading stories about dogs used to care for people, to comfort the terminally ill, to aide and uplift troops in combat, to help a lonely person feel companionship, or to simply add an immeasurable undefinable "something" to a family. I've said this before, and I'll say it again now, human beings could stand to learn a lot from our canine companions. Hurley was indiscriminate with his love to people. It didn't matter if you were white, black, asian, old, young, skinny, fat, short, tall, ugly, good looking, popular, unpopular, smart, dumb, rich, poor or anything in between - he (and any other dog) is going to show you the same affection as he is anyone else (except for in Hurley's case, he would show my Dad the most affection, but everyone else would receive the same amount of affection.) Could you imagine what kind of world we'd be living in if we were more like dogs in that matter? Call it idealistic nonsense, but I stand by my claim that we could all do well to follow the lead of man's best friend in many things.

With all that being said, watching my poor little buddy wheezing for breath on Friday evening, yet knowing that he was in a way comforted by my Dad and me -- knowing that even after three hours of surgery, the vets couldn't repair the damage a mere few seconds with a coyote did to his poor little body -- sitting at the kitchen table and only imagining the sound of scattering claws on the kitchen floor after Jake's friend rang the doorbell -- leaving for the movie and not having to throw a treat to keep Hurley from doing the one thing in the world he wants to do most, be with his family -- sitting down on the couch and not having his little warm body curl up next to mine -- watching him walk around the corner to get a mouthful of his food, only to walk back into the kitchen to eat it, and then repeat that cycle a handful times more, knowing the only reason for him to do so is so he could spend those few extra seconds in the same room as us -- eating a snack in the kitchen and not having him look up at me waiting for some kind of crumb to drop -- watching a magpie strut around the backyard without an insane bark begging to let him at it -- knowing that next time I go home I won't be greeted by a snorting, sniffing, and skittering guy absolutely and genuinely ecstatic that I walked in the door (Jake snorts, but that's about it) -- that next time I'm eating at the dinner table I won't have anyone jumping behind my back to get a better look out the window -- the fact that I (hopefully) won't have to get upset at anyone for licking my feet or legs while I'm trying to eat dinner -- walking laps around the house just to see how long he'll follow me -- watching him spin frenziedly around in circles when I've picked up one of his toys and he realizes he's found a friend to play with him -- and the overall absence of absolutely everything one little dog brought to our family, has been and will be a tough pill to swallow.

I've been teased before, and probably will be again for my reaction to the loss of "some dumb animal" - but its easy to brush off as the comments of someone who truly hasn't let a dog into their life. Even after going through it before, you never think you'll miss a dog like you do, but it is my firm belief that they truly are special animals; and with as much sorrow as our family has felt with the loss of each of our little friends, it is supremely outweighed by the joy and companionship doled out endlessly and in huge amounts by the smallest member of our family.

Hurley, you will be missed.

I'll Be Your Wingman.

2008-07-03T12:48:00.000-06:00

I'm a horrible golfer. I'd never swung a golf club in my entire life until about three years ago when my golf-enthusiast friends finally dragged me out, and let's just say... I'm not really what you'd call a "natural." My ability has gone from absolutely atrocious to simply bad, and I hope to reach "not the worst golfer I've ever seen" sometime in the next couple years.

That being said, I haven't minded my lack of golf ability, as my favorite part of the game is just being outside, enjoying spending a couple hours (or in the case of our last round of golf, 7 hours) out in the sun with my friends, watching us all gradually grow increasingly more and more frustrated. For the last couple of years, we've even started a monthly "green jacket" competition to spice things up a bit. Winner (with handicaps added in to even out the playing field) gets the jacket for a month, and gets to inscribe his name inside of said jacket, immortalized in sharpie as a green jacket champion.

As often as we get together to play, we occasionally are witness to events that range from humorous to down right insane. Whether it be a badger nearly attacking Kris Coles, Joseph Watkins watching helplessly as his golf ball attacks yet another car in the parking lot, Jay Fugal looking helplessly at his ball resting in the middle of a clump of reeds just off the green - then stepping up to "hockey slap" his ball out of the reeds - onto the green - and into the hole for birdie, or Andrew Stone diving into marshland to avoid being caught urinating in the middle of the golf course by the course manager and his wandering cart of doom; the golf gods never fail to send us all kinds of things to spice up the average round of golf.

However, no matter how many humorous, impossible, or flat out crazy things we've encountered out there, nothing will ever top the famous "Goose Incident" of 2006.

It was your typical summer evening, and a few of us guys felt like running out to play a quick round of golf before it got too late. I'm not entirely certain exactly who was with us this particular day, but I won't ever forget the events that transpired...

The defacto leader of our group of golfers is one Nick Parmley. A former Provo Open champion, and recent qualifier for the Utah Amatuer Open, he's far and away the best golfer out there when we're playing for the jacket. In fact, most of the time our rounds turn into Nick golfing, and the rest of us simply basking in the glowing glow of his tremendous skill. With this skill, comes a great amount of concentration and seriousness on his part - something that the most of us don't really have at the same level as him. So on this particular evening of golf, Nick was in his usual "zone" as he was teeing off, when - just to cheese him off - Andrew yelled something out in the middle of Nick's backswing. We all laughed as the ball screamed off, shanked very low and to the right. Before Nick could turn around and berate Andrew for his insubordianation, we were all captivated by where the trajectory of the fast moving ball was taking it... Straight into a flock of geese standing lazily about a hundred yards away or so. Frozen, we watched as the ball made direct contact with one of the geese, watched it flap around for a few minutes, and then slump to the ground in a heap.

"Uhh.... I think you just hit a goose."
"No man, I think you just killed a goose."
"I dunno, maybe it's just stunned or something."

Laughing in disbelief, we all walked over to the scene, and it became evident when we saw that half of the bird's head was caved in, it was definitely not "just stunned." We all immediately regretted not having a camera on us, Nick took a picture of it will his cell phone, and we then proceeded to tell him he was going to be fined $25,000 for slaughtering protected wildlife.

With a heavy heart and feeling of guilt and remorse, Nick was an easy target for the rest of the night, and we soon deemed his nickname from then until the end of time was to be "Goose."

The story spread far and wide, and soon all the land (or at least, everyone within the confines of the student government office and certain departments at UVSC) heard the legend of the slaying of the goose. In fact; the President of UVSC, President Sederburg, became an instant fan of the story, and called Nick "Goose" more often than any of us that were actually there on that fateful day.

Finally, just this last Tuesday, the legend grew enough to be printed in the local papers. That's right, Goose is in print (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700239476,00.html). May the legend live forever.

The Beckster

2008-06-25T13:19:00.000-06:00

So quite some time ago I was at my grandma's house sitting around with aunts, uncles, and cousins discussing blogs (an almost unavoidable topic of conversation these days) when one of my aunts immediately requested of me (which is my kind way of saying that she demanded) a blog post dedicated entirely to her. Now as many of you know, there is no side-stepping a Becky Davies demand - a fact that Jason's dating life attests to far too well... So I agreed, and even told her that one would be written and posted within a week. This was now prit'near a month ago, and I'm going to have to regretfully inform her that she will not be getting the "extra paragraph for each day late" that she was hoping for, but allow me to introduce you to the Becky Davies Blog Post:

Kaitlyn says "my mom is #1!!" - Abrielle says "I don't think I'm in this picture"

Allow me to preface with acknowledging the fact that Becky is incredibly into holidays of any sort. She's very passionate about Arbor Day, and hopes to use that holiday as a springboard in informing the populous about the very real tree-fire problem facing our country today.

Every year she awaits Columbus day with bated breath, excited for her chance to go door to door with her "Columbus Cookies" and bust out the very popular "Becky Davies Columbus Day Boogie." None of us really like the boogie at all, but out of fear of losing out on the cookies, we clap our hands and feign excitement.

Halloween is one of her specialties. Her costumes speak for themselves and constantly amuse.

as the creepy lunch lady.

she was the same thing as Jake this particular year.. Kinda embarassing..

yes, the dog is in a hot dog bun.

Those are but a few of the gems she's tossed our way over the past Halloweens, however, this is not what I came here to share today. Oh no, my personal favorite holiday tradition has been one that has begun only very recently...

Let's go back to Christmas 2007. After letting the younger Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren have their turns exchanging gifts, Becky could no longer contain the excitement she'd been stifling all evening... She left the room, and returned shortly after with a special present for my little brother Jake, something that every 15 year-old boy would have at the top of his list for Santa.

The most action either Davies boy got over that entire holiday season.

That's right, she got him a girlfriend. Sure, it happened to be a cardboard cutout of Paris Hilton with Becky's face glued over the top of Paris', and a large belt and extra cloth added to cover Paris' shame, but Jake still got himself a girlfriend for Christmas last year.

This was just a sequel, however, to Christmas 2006...

So pretty much every Sunday for the past several years, my entire extended family has congregated at my Grandma's house for an evening of desserts, conversation, and the occasional "bother Jason about dating" session. For us grandchildren, bringing a member of the opposite sex to Grandma's has always been a pretty significant step in our personal relationship with that person. Now this may come as a rather large surprise to some of you, but I've never brought a girl to Grandma's before. This was a constant topic of conversation over the past few years, and for quite some time when pestered about girls I would use an analogy that my "jar" of potential girls to bring was completely empty or very close to it. I'd show up on Sunday evening, alone, and when questioned why I didn't have someone with me, I'd simply mime shaking an empty jar. Laughs would be enjoyed by all, then I'd drown my sorrows in Swedish Cake.

This brings us back to Christmas 2006. Once again, Becky was extra giddy, even for her... And once again, after the exchanging of gifts, her excitement was revealed, and out came my special gift.
Yes, that is what you think it is... A jar of girl's names and phone numbers. We all sat as I pulled out each strip of paper and read the name and brief description of each one. Here are a few examples:

"Thaxton - description: A real surprise!"
"Penelope* - Lacross Playa - gets around" *Name Changed to protect the accused
"Nikki - Softball, Bball, Vball coach. May beat you in an athletic game, but has nothing on you when it comes to Scrabble"
"Bobby - Don't let her name fool you. She's as hot as they come"
"Amy - Blonde, 18 yo., 5'11", (looks like George Washington)"
"Jenny - Runner, 5'6" (I don't think she's married)"
"Jennie - Paul's sister. If you think he's good lookin, she looks just like him"
"Jenna - She's my bank teller, she could be yours" (and the phone number Becky had put for Jenna was 1-800-USBANKS)

Becky laughing hysterically at her jokes.

I even called a few of them once.. It generally went something like this:

"Hi ____, you don't know me, but my name is Justin. My Aunt Becky gave me your name and number, she also told me that you 'get around,' sooooo...."
"Who is this?"
"Justin, my Aunt Becky ga"
"Yeah, I got that, Aunt who?"
"Becky, Becky Davies"
"She said I get around?"
"Ummm....."
"And she told you to call me?"
"Well, she gave me this jar full of na"
"A jar??"
"Yeah, a jar"
"Is this some kind of joke?"
"That's very likely, I guess that depends... I really did get a jar from Becky, and one of the many names in that jar was yours"
"So you figured that because someone decided to say that I get around and put it in a jar, you'd give me a call and, what? Get in line?"
"Line? I'm confused... I was just"
"I don't care what you were just! I'm'a just gonna hang up on you if you don't start making sense here!"
"Ummmm... Do you want to go out this friday?"
"Oh, I can't. I have a boyfriend."

So special thanks be to Becky for her constant entertainment, and for her wonderful gifts/attempts to get us Davies boys ladies.

That is all.

Everywhere, That's Where...

2008-06-23T21:59:00.000-06:00

I'm sure many of you have seen the "Where The Hell is Matt?" videos over the past couple of years, but they just released the 2008 version a few days ago, and I happened to stumbleupon it tonight. I've always really enjoyed these, and most likely it's simply due to the fact that I want to be this Matt guy. I'm a terrible dancer too, why don't I get paid to fly around the world and dance around?

Oh well.

Enjoy.

And for those of you who haven't seen the previous videos, here you are.

(Dancing 2006)

(Dancing 2005)

Al-You-Manium

2008-06-20T14:16:00.000-06:00

I live in an awesome house. Yes, we had a house centipede in here the other day (I caved and investigated), but look at the place... It's practically the American dream: white picket fence, red brick, white pillars, covered porch, big tree, tire swing, and plenty of charm. In fact, we found out not long ago that it's actually on the Provo Historical Building Registry.

Now for me, the biggest nuisance about living in a house so old and full of character hasn't been any of the things mentioned in my previous post, but it's been the incredible temperatures my room has risen to over the summer months. My bedroom is on the second floor on the west side of the house, so the sun basically turns my room into a giant brick oven. Last summer I would spend the day outside doing sprinklers in the 100+ degree heat, and finally get to come home to unwind in my 110 degree bedroom. In a pitiful effort to keep my room a little cooler, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a few feet of the thickest fabric they had available and fashioned a pretty awesome drape out of it.

This probably dropped the temperature to a cozy 99 degrees. I think I may have slightly roasted a couple internal organs, but somehow I was able to survive the summer...

The past couple weeks has seen summer return, and the prospect of facing more nights slowly baking in my oven room started to gnaw at the back of my mind... It all became too much to handle when I'd leave my room in the middle of the night and feel probably a good 15 to 20 degree drop from my bedroom to the hallway. Something had to be done. Something I should've done a long time ago...

Look closely at the picture below, can you see it? Can you see the sheer awesomeness you're about to behold?
That's right.
I tinfoiled my window! Doesn't that just look like pure classiness right there? No need to answer, I already know the response is "Wow Justin, I have central air conditioning, but I think I'm going to go tinfoil my window anyway! Thanks!"

Don't worry though, I won't always be living in total darkness! The window still opens, so come night time I can bring some cool air on in...

Every view is better when accented with that special foiltastic sheen!

Let me be honest with you, it's a lot harder than you might think. Especially when you're using ultra cheap tinfoil, and especially when someone stuck a needle all the way through your packaging tape, so it keeps tearing in half at the little hole. Needless to say, after many hours fumbling through tape and foil last night, the result only speaks for itself... Okay, so I guess its appearance only speaks for itself, today is the first day with my new foil window, so the results are still to be determined.

After two posts about the greatness of my current living conditions, it's no wonder I always have girls coming over and hanging out with me!

Oh, wait.

Abject Squalor.

2008-06-19T01:38:00.000-06:00

There's something about living the bachelor lifestyle... That special "apartment scent," the constant piling of dishes in the sink, the fantastic decorative style that can only be accomplished by three heterosexual males, the almost empty fridge coupled with a freezer bursting at the seams, I even kind of found the mouse we had living in our kitchen a little endearing. My roommate Steve named him Henry, and occasionally left bits of cheese out for little Henry to snack on at night. (just as a post script, Henry made the poor decision to climb on upstairs and pay a visit to Joseph's room. Joseph repaid this unwelcome visit with the purchase of several mouse traps, which lead to Henry's eventual demise).

All-in-all, I've learned to become somewhat okay with the many aspects of the bachelor lifestyle that most civilized people would probably find a little unsettling, but every now and then something rolls/crawls/grows along that makes even me hope for the day where a nice young lady will force me to fly right and live in sanitary conditions again.

Tonight I had just one of those experiences. I was at our kitchen sink washing my hands, and the next thing I knew I was watching the most unsettling creature crawl from underneath the one of the plates sitting in the sink and start scurrying towards me. Before I could think about what exactly I was looking at, I stumbled backwards like a coward, and screamed.

This is what I saw:
We'd had a bunch of people over playing games, and all of them had just left. My girlish shriek was loud enough for a couple to hear and come back in to see what was the ruckus was, and upon closer inspection, it looked even more upsetting than by initial glance.

Horrifying. Simply horrifying.

I went upstairs to make sure Steve could get a good look at our visitor, and he responded by pulling out the spray attachment to the sink. He sprayed it down while I removed the dishes from the sink until we finally got it down the drain, at which point we flipped on the garbage disposal and chopped our unwelcome visitor on to bug hell.

I have no idea what type of bug that is, nor do I want to know... I'm sure someone's going to look at it and say "oh well that's just a _______, completely harmless!" I don't care how harmless the thing is, it was disgusting... It may as well have looked like this:

I miss Henry.

And yes, I drew lighting bolts on his back.

Sheer Goodness.

2008-06-17T11:45:00.000-06:00

So the past 6 or 7 days have been quite eventful for me... (and no, this is not going to be a recounting of my trip to Vegas/St. George) The particular eventfulness and sheer goodness which I'm referring to has everything to do with things that happened here in Utah. Wonderful little "gifts from above" bookending a relaxing little trip down south.

I'm sure all 3 of you are on the edge of your seats in anticipation to what these "wonderful events" could be... I'll try not to disappoint.

The first came last Monday. As I'm sure many of you know, I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with all things Glen Hansard (The Swell Season, The Frames, the movie Once, etc etc), in fact, one of my first ever posts on this blog was about the fantastic concert of theirs a little over a month ago. So Monday of last week, I was checking out the Swell Season's myspace page to see if they had any news or tour dates or anything of the sort, when I came across an item of information they posted that literally had me stopped dead in my tracks (I guess you're always literally stopped dead in your tracks when you're surfing the internet though. Unless you're walking around carrying an open laptop and, well, nevermind). It was simply a little blog post referring to a website called playedlastnight.com - a website where you can buy a recording of one of their previous concerts. I immediately returned to the giddy schoolgirl mode I described in my post about the concert, and it only intensified when they had their Salt Lake concert available, and the quality was superb.

In the week since, I honestly couldn't tell you how many times I've listened to the concert in total, but I can tell you that I have listened to it enough to get rather tired of listening to my own laugh between songs (yes, we were close enough to the stage that you can hear me laughing quite frequently. I am a dork).

So, for your enjoyment, I've included the concert in its entirety in this post. Enjoy!

Sheer Goodness II: With a Vengance

For those of you who read the blog I kept during the epic east coast trip I went on with my Dad and little brother last year, you'll know that the three of us developed a borderline obsession with Five Guys burgers out there, to the point where the entire trip was more or less sponsored by the restaurant. I was told by my friend Andrew that if I found a Five Guys back there, to make sure I went; so when on the very first afternoon of our trip, we stumbled across one in Philadelphia, our lunch decision was easily made for us. We were all instantly hooked, even Mr. Super Super Healthy Patrick C. We made sure to eat there whenever we were in a city we knew had one, which added up to a total of 3 Five Guys visits in 3 different states...

Five Guys #1 - Philadelphia PA

Five Guys #2 - Kill Devil Hills, NC (yes, the city's name is Kill Devil Hills. It's on the Outer Banks)
(this is also a perfect representation of my white-foot tan line from doing sprinklers all summer... classic)

Five Guys #3 - Atlanta, GA

Now this was not the end of my Five Guys visits, oh no... Not even close... My involvement in Student Government brought me to DC a couple times over the last school year - which of course, lead to more Five Guys...

Five Guys #4 - Mall Food court in Washington DC

Five Guys #5 - Near Chinatown, Washington DC

Five Guys #6 - (the same Five Guys as the last, only 5 or 6 months later)

So where am I going with this do you ask? Well, yesterday was the momentous occasion of the opening of a Five Guys restaurant in Utah. That's right, we finally have the greatest burger chain in America right here in our own back yard. You heard me In-N-Out fans, the greatest...

Five Guys #7 - Midvale, UT

Despite the fact it took them a few tries to get my order right (opening night jitters, I'm sure), the experience at the Utah location was right up there with its east coast brethren. So next time you're in the Fort Union area - do yourself a favor.